*NEW* OKJA REVIEW *NEW*

A bit more than OK, ja?

Meet Mija (Seo-Hyun Ahn), a young girl who risks everything to prevent a powerful, multi-national company from kidnapping her best friend – a massive animal named Okja.

Strange, charming, quirky. What did you expect from the guy who gave us The Host?

I was surprised to see a Bong Joon-ho flick on Netflix. I’m glad the Twitter poll recommended this.

The eclectic opener with Tilda Swinton’s (We Need to Talk About Kevin) brace ridden quirky corporate exec didn’t really give me high hopes.

Swinton doesn’t like to do normal, does she? BUT we wouldn’t have it any other way. The random statistics and animated PowerPoint presentations threw me into a mini-coma.

To cut a long story short, the world is overpopulated and running out of food. Cue the discovery of “super piglet” on a Chilean farm, a litter of little super piglets and a worldwide competition among farmers to grow the biggest pig.

Fast forward 10 years to a beautifully pastoral Korean forest setting. Darius Khondji’s cinematography was breathtaking.

The animation was very good. The detail on Okja was brilliant. A cross between a giant hippo and a elephant with the mannerisms of a dog.

Mija and Okja reminded me of characters from a live action Studio Ghibli animation. I loved the dynamic.

There was an easygoing feel to the piece as we watched the pair hunt and frolic in the woods. Establishing that their bond was more than just a farmer raising her produce.

It wasn’t long before the pair’s safe haven was disrupted by the emergence of the squeaky and highly flamboyant simpleton Johnny Wilcox (Jake Gyllenhaal – Donnie Darko). A fame-seeking animal loving TV host.

God knows what Gyllenhaal was smoking while taking on this role?! He was bloody mental and hilarious. A deluded hypocrite. Scene stealer in every frame.

Of course being “company property”, Okja must return to New York to claim her prize as “best pig” and face her impending fate. Throwing Mija into one mad journey.

Seo-Hyun Ahn was brilliant as the resilient Mija. It takes a lot for a child actor not to infuriate me BUT she played the role perfectly.

The Seoul street chase was a fantastically choreographed and entertaining sequence as Mija ran through alleyways and dived over highway bridges.

Things taking a highly comical turn when a group of animal activists decide to free Okja at the same time. The Animal Liberation Front were a great addition to the mix and featured a surprisingly talented supporting cast.

I couldn’t help but laugh as the gang tried to remain peaceful during Okja’s rescue mission. The friendliest highway robbery I’ve ever seen (“Please co-operate”).

Pointing a gun at the truck driver, demanding he put on his seat belt before ramming him off the road. Swiftly followed by a sincere apology. Desperate not to use violence by any means.

Steven Yuen (Glenn from Walking Dead!) and Paul Dano (Swiss Army Man) were excellent as K and Jay. Dano’s reaction at the speed of the Korean language to English as he asked to be translated was a particular highlight.

Lily Collins (Love, Rosie) did her best to hide those brows from the balaclava BUT I knew it was her before the big reveal.

Devon Bostick has come a long way from his Wimpy Kid days. His character Silver had so much potential BUT didn’t get enough screen time. Refusing to eat in order to leave the smallest carbon footprint.

I felt their characters got lost in the chaos. Shame. And that was kind of the problem; the pace lumbered things drastically (especially during the middle act) that I could feel myself fidgeting.

Breaking Bad’s Giancarlo Esposito was wasted in his minute role as Mirando’s underling.

I was happy to see Trainspotting’s Shirley Henderson feature. Moaning Myrtle just doesn’t get a break.

The second half certainly delivered a more rewarding affair BUT I didn’t expect the direction it took. I would have said that this was a kid’s film right up until Okja’s incarceration in a New York lab.

Bong Joon-ho brilliantly encapsulated the GM food crisis perfectly. Showing the brutal treatment of animals. I’m not a vegetarian BUT even I was left feeling queasy. Especially during the “natural non-forced breeding” process.

The gruelling underbelly of corporate control as Swinton’s Mirando tried to turn Mija and Okja’s bond into one big PR stunt to help change her company’s bad image.

I thought Snowpiercer was dreadful. The saving grace (Sorry, Chris Evans) being Tilda Swinton. I was getting disappointed at her lack of screen time. That was until the mad final act. She delivered everything I expected.

The closing minutes left food for thought making this a rewarding and charming little film (If a little long at the tooth) that delivered raw social commentary and mad humour.

A pleasant surprise.

3.5/5 (Just)

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*NEW* WONDER WOMAN REVIEW *NEW*

The best DC movie yet. But is that saying a lot?

Superhero movie of the year? Or overhyped drivel?

Gal Gadot, be still my beating heart.

Before she was Wonder Woman, she was Diana, princess of the Amazons, trained warrior. When a pilot (Chris Pine) crashes and tells of conflict in the outside world, Diana leaves home to fight a war, discovering her full powers and true destiny.

The only interesting character in Batman Vs Superman. Bearing in mind; I had no idea who she was or what she was actually doing (and why for that matter?)

Now we finally get some answers. Sort of.

The best DC movie outing but that doesn’t say much.

The opening origin story with young Diana was entertaining enough.

I never read the DC comics and knew only a little of the TV show with Lynda Carter. I don’t remember all this God stuff BUT the writers even managed to make the Lasso of Truth a believable (and lethal) weapon.

The 300 style training montage with the glorious Greek goddesses kept things ticking over as Diana defied her mother’s wishes by training to fight.

Robin Wright (House of Cards) and Connie Nielsen (Gladiator) were both underused as Diana’s sparring mother and aunt. One desperate to see Diana reach her potential, the other weary of it.

It was a little cheesy BUT it hit the spot as Diana grew stronger. The truth about her abilities rearing its ugly head just as a WW1 plane crashes into their safe haven. Opening a whole new world for our heroine.

The film was injected with the right balance of humour and heart. Something sorely missed in the other DC efforts . . . So far.

One particular highlight involving Diana, clad with sword and shield, strolling through a department store perplexed at the “battle” attire women wear.

The WW1 setting was a perfect focal point for our heroine. The film delicately handled sexism and politics quite well as Diana demanded to know why women couldn’t fight, vote or speak.

Not bad for a superhero movie.

The 3D was disappointing and hardly worth the ticket price BUT the special effects and action pieces were superb.

The No-Man’s land battle sequence was fantastic.

The chemistry between Gadot and Pine was perfect. A great duo. Steve’s bewilderment and Diana’s defiant (if slightly naive) approach to achieving her objective was the glue that kept this piece together.

The banter and bubbling tension helped drudge the meandering pace (which tragically could have been cut by a good 20 minutes).

I loved the supporting cast. It was great to see Lucy Davis (The Office) back in the limelight. She was hilarious as Steve’s long suffering secretary. Diana’s reaction when she was told the purpose of a secretary was brilliant; “So you’re a slave?”

Of course, Diana and Steve couldn’t achieve their mission alone. They needed a rag tag team of misfits. Said Taghmaoui (American Hustle) was highly comical as Sameer.

I was elated to see ol’ Spud (Ewen Bremner -Trainspotting) as the drunk and disillusioned Charlie.

Eugene Brave Rock was a little weak as the poorly titled Chief. BUT he was nowhere near as weak as the villain.

Danny Huston (X-Men Origins: Wolverine) was dreadfully bland and not quite as sinister as I had hoped. Reduced to popping pills and gurning some serious faces. Shame.

Elena Anaya (The Skin I Live In) drew more chills as Dr Poison (A terrible name!) with her scar and scary mask.

The finale was drawn out. It felt like the Man of Steel; once you’ve seen one super being smash another through set piece after set piece, it soon got a little repetitive.

Plus it rushed to such an abrupt ending that I was left wanting. Good in one sense but bad in another.

The only problem was that from all the hype, I also expected something a little more.

I have nothing against a strong female character taking the helm and to adapt a dated 70s TV show and make some of the sillier aspects into something empowering and less farfetched was a great feat.

BUT the drawn out pace and plot holed story line hindered an exhilarating blockbuster.

I was left asking questions (POTENTIAL SPOILERS, maybe?); if the Amazonian island was shielded away from the world – why was Trevor’s plane the one to break through? Explain the other wars after WW1 if Wonder Woman’s mission was to stop the God of War? What was she doing for the next century? Surely not sitting in a museum?

BUT for all its flaws, WW was still entertaining, engaging (if a little long at the tooth) and DC’s best effort to date.

There might be some hope for them after all.

3.5/5 (Just)

*DON’T SIT THROUGH THE CREDITS – there are NO extras, teasers, NADA*

*NEW* T2 TRAINSPOTTING REVIEW *NEW*

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Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a sequel that is actually good. Choose this film.

After 20 years abroad, Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor) returns to Scotland and reunites with his old friends Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller), Spud (Ewen Bremner), and Begbie (Robert Carlyle).

It was always going to be tough to top such an iconic film. BUT if anyone was going to take it on, it could only be Danny Boyle.

21 years?! 21 years for a sequel that no one really asked for or wanted. BUT come on. How many of you were buzzing when those teaser/trailers hit the big screen with Iggy Pop’s Lust for Life blaring in all its glory?!

As soon as the hypnotic bassy beat of High Contrast’s Shotgun Mouthwash blared through the speakers, I cracked a grin. I knew what I was getting in for.

I was a huge fan of the film BUT have yet to read the Irvine Welch novels. Although I’ve been told they are not the most accessible of novels. A perfect example demonstrated with Spud’s “memoirs” as the lads ripped him for his indecipherable drivel. The bigger joke being that they were actual extracts from Welch’s books.

Considering the massive time gap, the cast hadn’t really changed. A perfect contradiction. Everything had changed BUT it was all still the same.

I couldn’t fault any of the lads. Bremner was spot on as Spud. His random stories delivering some cracking one liners. McGregor was superb. Miller nailed it. BUT there was one man who ran the show. And that man was Ol’ Begbie himself, Robert Carlyle.

He chewed up every scene he was in. A bi-polar bad ass. Bringing nail biting tension and bittersweet humour by the bucket loads. The man you loved to hate. A ticking time bomb.

The first act was just as mad and frenetic as the original. And I have to admit, I was beaming from ear to ear. All the little nods. The soundtrack was spot on. Mixing new with the old. Boyle teasing every scene with a drop of Iggy or a riff of Underworld. Perfect.

The excitement as the gang united for one more drug fuelled mind f**k of a reunion.

However, it wasn’t going to be all hugs and kisses now. Let’s not forget that Renton ran off to Amsterdam with all the drug money. Begbie vowing to kill him if ever their paths would meet again.

It was funny watching the mixed reactions as Renton returned BUT it was also quite hard hitting as well. Especially with Spud as he tried to get clean after years of being a junkie.

Sick Boy was still up to the same old hustle. Extorting rich businessmen in sleazy hotels and Begbie . . . Well, he broke out of prison.

I was in stitches watching Begbie trying to educate Begbie Jr with the ways of his trade. Especially when the poor boy would rather focus on his degree in Hotel Management than tea leaf a 50 inch flat screen.

The middle act did test me as we waited for Renton’s inevitable reunion with Begbie. Wondering if Sick Boy would screw him over. However, once the pair inevitably met, it was gritty, enthralling and funny.

Seriously when the pair realised they were in the cubicles next to each other, it was like something out of a Marx Brothers sketch. I will say no more.

It really came full circle as the lads re-evaluated their lives and remembered the glory days. The retreads through pivotal scenes were enjoyable as it recapped for some of the less avid Trainspotting fans particular plot points.

There was even a revelation that I never picked up on from the original. BUT after a while, it got too repetitive and took the attention away from the ongoing story line. I was starting to feel like I was watching the first one all over again.

BUT Renton and Sick Boy’s little con was entertaining enough. Infiltrating a Protestant pub to steal bank cards. Their ruse nearly discovered until the pair had to pull one hell of a distraction. Trust Boyle to get McGregor singing. And what a song! THERE ARE NO CATHOLICS LEFT!

For most of the film, I was pleasantly surprised BUT that’s not to say that it was perfect.

Anjela Nedyalkova’s turn as Veronika was a mixed bag for me. She came off as an unsuspecting femme fatale that got in the way. A mere plot device to spurn the fractious relationship between Sick Boy and Renton while helping Spud focus his rehabilitation on something more productive. 

I didn’t want to spoil too much about who pops up and what BUT Shirley Henderson was completely wasted as Gail. A mere passing cameo. Shame.

The pace was a killer and it really dragged to that finale. BUT once it kicked off, it was tense, unsettling and delivered a fitting swansong that ticked all the boxes.

A gritty visceral emotional rollercoaster ride that perfectly tackled friendship, loss, nostalgia. A bloody good watch from a reunion I didn’t expect. For a sequel I never thought would happen.

CHOOSE A FILM. CHOOSE ONE THAT WILL ENTERTAIN. CHOOSE ONE THAT IS (ALMOST) WORTH THE HYPE. CHOOSE THIS.

3.5/5

Please enjoy this High Contrast song and suffer the infectious beat that has been in my head for days.

 

 

*NEW* A STREET CAT NAMED BOB REVIEW *NEW*

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An easygoing feel good flick with stellar turns from the two leads.

Based on the international best selling book. The true story of how James Bowen (Luke Treadaway), a busker and recovering drug addict, had his life transformed when he met a stray ginger cat (Bob).

Ironically, despite that synopsis, I didn’t realise until the opening credits that this was based on a true story. The grim opening sequence gave a hard look into life on the streets with Bowen busking for his next meal (or his next fix).

We watched him sleep rough on a sheet of cardboard in the pouring rain. Rummaging through skips and bins for scraps while fighting back the withdrawal from his drug addiction.

There was even a cringe inducing scene in which the poor chap literally sang for his dinner in a cafe. Just because he was 12p short.

Luke Treadaway is an underrated actor. I enjoyed his turn in Fortitude. It was good to see him get a leading role. He played the part well. He hadn’t got a bad voice either. A cross between Frank Turner and Mumford & Sons.

BUT there wasn’t as much singing as I thought. I expected something a little more in the lines of Once. However, Satellite Moments (Light Up The Sky) was a catchy tune and stand out track.

Director Roger Spottiswoode (Tomorrow Never Dies) and writers Tim John and Maria Nation got the right balance. In all fairness, if it wasn’t for the overdose sequence, this could have passed as a PG. It wasn’t graphic or violent BUT still hit home.

Darren Evans (My Mad Fat Diary) was quite good as Baz. The relentless junkie desperate for another fix. It was a surprisingly dark opener as Bowen overdosed in a stolen car.

However, our troubled hero gets a second chance in the form of a ginger mog.

There wasn’t enough of Joanne Froggatt (Downton Abbey) as Val. The social worker taking a big gamble on the stumbling drug addict. Refusing to accept Bowen’s excuses BUT desperate to see him make the program.

The film delved into the housing benefits scheme and provided a better insight into the workings behind the Big Issue sellers. I didn’t realise the rules and the various territories. Eye opening.

It was a little cheesy once Bob was thrown into the mix BUT they made an entertaining pair as they both got into all sorts of scraps.

The POV perspectives from Bob did get a little silly. It may have lightened up the serious tone of James’ rehabilitation BUT we didn’t need to see everything James was showing Bob. A friendly visit from a mouse delivered a fitting nod to Tom and Jerry.

The introduction of Bob also introduced aspects of James’ life that he thought were done. Most notably in a blossoming romance with the ditsy super vegan Betty (Ruta Gedmintas).

It was a bit of a change from slaying vampires in The Strain for Gedmintas. She was very good as the enthusiastic veggie. Desperate to help all creatures. Volunteering at a local vet despite being allergic to animals. The pair had great chemistry.

I just wish there was more exploration of James’ relationship with his father (Anthony Head – Buffy the Vampire Slayer). You felt sorry for James as he tried to keep clean and build bridges much to his step mother’s disapproval.

BUT of course, the road to recovery is never easy. This had more of a TV movie feel to the piece BUT it had just enough heart and charm to stand on its own two feet (or paws). Especially after some of the entries hitting the Xmas schedules (Say no more).

It wasn’t quite as hard hitting as I had expected. By all means, it was still very watchable with some endearing moments as we went through the highs and lows BUT if you were expecting Inside Llewyn Davis meets Trainspotting, you might be left disappointed.

Ruth Sheen (Another Year) was completely wasted in her role as Elsie, the friendly passer by who becomes a fan of Bob.

I still can’t believe this was a true story. It was a charming little film that left a nice message and a cheesy smile (Including a passing cameo from Bowen himself).

If that sounds like your cup of tea, check it out.

3/5

*NEW* STEVE JOBS REVIEW *NEW*

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Steve Jobzzzz

Sorkin. Boyle. Fassbender. Winslet. Rogen. This had all the ingredients for a perfect biopic. BUT it failed to impress on so many levels.

Steve Jobs takes us behind the scenes of the digital revolution to paint a portrait of the man at its epicentre. The story unfolds backstage at three iconic product launches ending in 1998 with the unveiling of the iMac.

From the director of Trainspotting and penned by the man who brought you The West Wing. Maybe I went with too high an expectation. The meandering opener with Arthur C. Clarke predicting the inevitable invasion of personal computers and their insertion into everyday lives didn’t really get things going for me. It was certainly haunting. Especially as I was writing notes on my iPhone while watching the thing.

Michael Fassbender was superb. He delivered a stellar performance BUT a fitting one? Well, that’s another story. We join the technical genius during the 1984 Mackintosh fair. It was typical Sorkin which, for the first 30 minutes, ticked all the boxes. Fast talking, quick witted, highly quotable (“The orchestra play their instruments and I play the orchestra”). And, of course, the hallway walking. Oh, the hallway walking.

We watch Jobs have a fit over the Mac’s interface as it crashes before the big moment. I understand that films always dramatize and exaggerate BUT Sorkin and Boyle really go out of their way to make Jobs appear to be such a ruthless and egotistical manipulator. I mean normally nine times out of ten, most of these “geniuses” or “historical figures” have a screw loose. BUT it’s convenient that the film was made after Job’s death.

It certainly changed perceptions BUT after his passing, you got a sense of the techno wizard. And then to see him torn to pieces and portrayed as a callous liar, it was a little tough to swallow. BUT at the same breath, it spiced up what was quite a dull affair.

The techno babble did tragically go over my head. BUT I was able to gather that Jobs was streaming things that weren’t part of the package or technically didn’t even exist. He exploited and stole components from any one he could. Even his own friend Steve Wozniak.

It was good to see Seth Rogen do some semi-serious acting for a change. He didn’t do a bad turn as Wozniak. Loitering around the conferences like a bad smell. Merely wanting acknowledgment for Job’s plagiarism. Nothing more. Or was he?

Kate Winslet worked well with Fassbender and delivered a reasonable turn as Job’s long suffering assistant Joanna Hoffman. The pair zinged off each other and really made Sorkin’s lines snap. BUT my main issue was her accent. Hoffman was Polish American. It felt like halfway through the film, Winslet suddenly remembered this and tried to thicken the accent to Borat levels. Well, maybe not that bad but it was pretty noticeable.

As much as Boyle and Sorkin may have created a monster in Jobs, it was all rather mediocre and repetitive. They literally did the same thing in three different conferences with the same result. Jobs would bellow at techies, deny that he had a daughter, ignore Hoffman’s advice and then still be trusted with shed loads of money.

Jobs’ estranged relationship with his daughter Lisa certainly made things a little more interesting. He developed an algorithm to argue against the court ruling declaring him as the father. 94.1% was inconclusive, apparently. BUT what infuriated me was that it was brought in very early adding to the drama. Then nothing. Just more fast talking and walking. The subplot was only really brought back into the mix at the end. Shame.

I respected that Sorkin did eventually question the moral ambivalence of everyone. The intentions of Chrisann (Katherine Waterston – Inherent Vice), Jobs’ ex soon changed your loyalties. What appeared to be a genuine concern for her daughter’s welfare soon became a cash cow.

The flashbacks were a little disappointing. I expected  a little more depth into Jobs’ personal background (Apparently he doesn’t have one). Not a regurgitation of what we’ve already been told or gathered. Only a little more shouty. There was a clever use of juxtaposition that meshed two different arguments between John Sculley (Jeff Daniels) and Jobs. The wrong doer ironically having the role reversed.

I wasn’t aware how disappointing a campaign Mac had after developing one of the most iconic adverts in history. There were some interesting stats being thrown around. Apple’s control of the market hitting an all time low. Factories closing. Projected sales turnovers of a million computers only reaching 35,000!

Jobs was a mastermind. BUT not in the admirable way (Is there one?). During his exile from Apple, he established a new company that was flogging a product that had nothing new to justify the incredibly steep price. Nothing but an expensive game of chess between the Apple execs. He knew they were after the tech that he was developing and would have to buy it from him.

It was watchable BUT I feel I’m making it more interesting than it was (Or not?). It was far too talky and too serious. I’m not sure whether it was out of desperation BUT Sorkin threw in odd quirks that didn’t make any sense. A scene in which Jobs cleans his feet in a toilet bowl struck me as odd and irrelevant.

I feel Sorkin pushed this into The Newsroom territory. A show I never really enjoyed. The grandiose and sanctimonious speeches over such petty and uninteresting things. There just wasn’t enough drama for my liking. Not enough exploration into Jobs’ past. I mean if these were the best moments of Job’s life, then yikes!

A mixed bag for me. Quick witted and brilliantly acted. BUT repetitive, heavy handed and dull. Maybe some stories shouldn’t be told.

2.5/5

EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS REVIEW

Exodus-Gods-and-Kings-Poster-Bale-and-Edgerton

Exoduzzzzz. Basically the Dark Prince of Egypt. No singing, a whole lot darker and a whole lot longer.  A mess. A beautifully shot one but a mess all the same.

So what’s it all about? (For those who don’t know) The defiant leader Moses (Christian Bale) rises up against the Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses (Joel Edgerton), setting 600,000 slaves on a monumental journey of escape from Egypt and its terrifying cycle of deadly plagues.

Another example of the ever-increasing decline of a great director.

Beautifully shot (with a talented cast) BUT overlong, drawn out and dreadfully dull. The Counsellor, Prometheus and now Exodus.

I couldn’t think of anyone better to take on the role of Moses. Bale brings his gruffly angry gravitas to the role BUT despite his best efforts, his performance was a little underwhelming.

I understand that there has been a backlash against this movie. To be honest, I gave up on Hollywood attempting any accuracy or authenticity on anything. Let alone the Bible.

Apparently, self-tanning solves the whitewashing issue that Hollywood have failed to resolve for the last 50 years.

Bale and Edgerton worked well together and made a good pairing when they got to be in the same scene. Edgerton (Warrior) was an excellent Ramses when he was allowed to act. Can you see where I’m going with this?

The first 30 minutes zipped along and was quite watchable. The scope and design was breathtaking. Captured perfectly by (regular Scott stalwart) Dariusz Wolski’s cinematography.

This time around, Moses is not just an Egyptian prince but a general trained in the art of war. Cue biblical battle sequences . . . for five minutes. The little action we got was delivered through tragically jittery camera work. My eyes struggled to adjust to the 3D and the huge numbers of extras. I couldn’t focus on any one set piece.

The 3D is a waste of time. Apart from a few arrows and blades flying here and there and seeing some teeny tiny seagulls soar above the waves, it barely appears in the 150 minutes and doesn’t justify the extra costs.

The battle sequence soon corrected itself but after that . . . Nothing. We are left with mindless exposition, delivered by stocky characters for another hour and a bit.

John Turturro was probably one of the main supporting characters that made an impression as Egyptian pharaoh Seti.

BUT that was mainly because I thought it was a bit strange that he would play the father figure. He didn’t look any older than the pair. However, I Googled Turturro and discovered he is actually 17 years older than them I don’t normally go on continuity quips but the lumbering pace gave me time to do some research.

Ben Mendelsohn stood out for me more. I couldn’t believe it was him after all the hard man roles in Starred Up and Black Sea. He was very good as the weasly and overtly camp Viceroy Hegep.

Sigourney Weaver, on the other hand, was wasted in her role. She brought her stone faced pallor to the character and maybe had one bitchy moment but apart from that, anyone could have played her! Shame.

As Moses inevitably found out the truth about his upbringing and is exiled for it rather hastily; the film withers away as did my interest.

Agonisingly slow. I really felt like I was stranded in a desert. Waiting for a decent character. A bit of plot. Something. Instead I have Moses wandering about. Slaying a random person here and there (For no reason). Marrying the lovely Maria Valverde. Promising not to leave her. Leaving her to free “his people”. After talking to a burning bush. Come again?

I’m not going to pick at the biblical story too much. The bush always did test me BUT then to have the messenger of God appear in the form of an 11 year old boy named Malak (Isaac Andrews) took the biscuit.

Moses’ conversations with Malak should have been dramatic affairs. Heated debates questioning the morals and ethics behind God’s plan to liberate the slaves. BUT all I got was Batman yelling angrily at a little boy for 20 minutes.

Andrews did his best but he seemed to struggle with some of the bigger chunks of dialogue and didn’t really have the conviction to carry it.

It didn’t help that only Moses can see Malak. So every time Aaron Paul’s Joshua checked on Moses, he could only see Bale losing his rag at a rock. That’s right, Jessie from Breaking Bad. Such a bland character. He nailed the confused slave look well. It was comical.

The plagues certainly got things moving. The visual effects were incredible, especially with the locusts, frogs and crocodiles. Wait, what?

Crocodiles. You read that, right? I’m pretty sure that wasn’t in the bible. It was certainly a visceral and dark moment. The carnage was relentless. The Nile turning into one blood soaked pool. Haunting.

Indira Varma (Game of Thrones) and Ewan Bremner (Trainspotting) played the High Priestess and Expert as well as they could. The fact their characters are given such wonderful titles said it all.

Their theorizing about what made the plagues happen was interesting at first BUT got irritating in an instant.

I felt that Scott (and the cast) went through the motions with the story. I mean at least Darren Aronofsky tried to do something different with Noah. Granted, it didn’t really work and did cause a bit of a stir but it was certainly more interesting than this.

I mean between Bale and Scott, they made Moses appear like a schizophrenic. Talking to inanimate objects one second. Flying off the handle the next. What made me laugh is that the slaves constantly question his leadership and yet when the shit hits the fan, they are screaming for Moses to tell them what to do.

The pace could have been cut down by an hour and been stronger for it. It hasn’t added anything new to the story or re-imagined it in any capacity. Scott didn’t even bother showing Moses unveil the Ten Commandments after all the build up.

The parting of the Red Sea was a visual feast for the eyes. A frenetic finish to a flawed flop.

If there was to be a re-telling of a Bible story, why didn’t Hollywood take on a story that hadn’t had numerous films before it? Numerous films that were much, much better.

God have mercy on this film. The special effects and set pieces were breathtaking but the lifeless characters and mechanical story telling left me yawning.

2.5/5

GET SANTA REVIEW

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Get on it!

Jim Broadbent dons the red suit and white beard and leads a sterling British cast in this fun (but flawed) Christmas cracker.

Writer/director Christopher Smith has taken the same old Santa spiel and re-worked it into something quite different and entertaining.

So what’s it all about? (Besides the obvious implications of the title) A father (Rafe Spall) and son (Kit Connor) team up to save Christmas after discovering Santa Claus (Broadbent) sleeping in their garage and on the run from the police.

A breath of fresh air! I was surprised at how little this film was marketed at the cinemas. It’s not without it’s imperfections but I can certainly commend it’s originality. Execution on the other hand? Ho, ho, ho, here we go.

Broadbent brings St Nick to life brilliantly and delivered the charm by the stocking full. He was everything I expected. Funny, endearing and entertaining. It always helps in these family holiday films to have a likeable cast.

Connor (An impressive debut from the little chap) and Spall (X + Y) were fantastic together. They played the parts well and made the father/son dynamic work.

Spall’s dead pan delivery certainly made for some cracking one liners. His reaction when Tom tells him he’s found SC in the garage; “Are you in the garage with a man? Pass the phone to your mum”. Priceless.

The prison angle was a fresh take. Recently released from prison, Steve is desperate to be a good dad. Little does he know that his prison ties will be more important than ever. His quest for redemption certainly had a little more substance to the usual Christmas father/son squabbles.

The idea of SC incarcerated was a perfect platform for some fun gags. I smiled a lot more than I expected and was surprised at the stars that popped up in this.

Matt King (Super Hands from Peep Show) featured as a miserable and unsatisfied prison guard. To be honest, his character was nowhere near as good as I hoped. If anything, he was a little flat. Even the OTT comical punch up between him and Warwick Davis (Harry Potter) left little to be desired.

Davis, on the other hand, was quite good. Of course, lazy elf gags galore were thrown at the poor chap but his retorts and sarcastic jibes made up for it.

And what was Combo from This is England doing in this?! Stephen Graham’s turn as The Barber was an unexpected delight. Good to see he can still have a laugh and that he’s not too big for the small Brit pics. His tough guy training sesh with Broadbent was almost worth the ticket alone.

I was in stitches watching ol’ SC strutting around the gaff with corn locks. Throw in a cheeky slow mo tough guy montage to a bit of Ice Cube for good measure? Yes please.

Joanna Scanlan (Stella) played the delightfully unpleasant parole officer with aplomb. BUT apart from stomping about and carrying a toad in tow (You read that right), she didn’t really do much else.

Jodie Whittaker (Broadchurch) was wasted in her role. Apart from a few awkward exchanges (and rightly so) between her character and Steve, she didn’t really pop back up until the final moments.

The reindeer were quite funny for the little ‘uns. Especially the deceptive Dasher (who manages to break into vans without explanation). He can’t talk but he can communicate. And of course being a children’s movie, he does so by farting. That’s right. Communicating through farts (Come on, we’re better than that).

Although Spall trying to remain serious as the furry critters trumped away was quite funny.

Ewen Bremner (Trainspotting) was really irritating as the over-enthusiastic and deluded PC Finkerton. He did my nut in.

Unfortunately, for every clever little prison gag, there were a dozen recycled ones. BUT there was still fun to be had. A cheeky Shawshank Redemption reference shouldn’t have worked but it got a little nod from me.

For the little ‘uns, you have Big Nick firing a tommy gun of reindeer droppings in a high speed police chase.

The animation was a little cartoony for me. Especially in the letter tunnel when Steve and Tom are transported to Lapland. BUT their sleigh ride was brilliantly captured. Santa’s gadgets were quite cool. His slinky/chimney expander was a nifty little trinket.

I know it’s a Christmas film BUT it skimmed through a number of plot holes. Look, I’m prepared to except all the rubbish about SC and the reindeer flight paths (It’s a kids film after all) BUT breaking out of secure prisons so flippantly? Come on now.

It wrapped things up a little too quickly. For a moment, I wondered if Smith was going to play on the “Is he/isn’t he SC?” spiel a little more as Steve fears that he’s helping a chap who is nothing more than a petty criminal.

I loved its originality but was a little disappointed in its execution as it raced to its shamefully predictable, corny and rushed finale.

BUT I had a lot more fun than I expected and it wasn’t the worst way to kill 90 minutes.

2.5/5.