THE TOP 20 WORST FILMS OF 2014 – PART ONE

Did you walk out of a film feeling angry, disappointed, baffled, confused?

Did you walk out of a film for that matter?

Did you sit in your car (or at home) reeling? Questioning, debating, pondering how on Earth it even got through the pitching process?

Then, welcome.

I think I’ve already compiled my worst films of 2015 which doesn’t bode well for the year that lies ahead.

BUT let’s (finally) review the worst films of 2014!

My criteria; Basically films that destroyed all excitement and anticipation or failed to deliver anything (Acting, talent, story, suspense . . . a movie).

Films that made me cry a little, scream with RAGE or just say,¬†“I don’t think I’m going to bother anymore” . . . With the cinema (Woah, let’s not get too down now).

So for a change, let’s start from 20 – 11, followed by PART TWO with 10 – 1

SCALE: 20 DISAPPOINTED! – 1 WTF!

I’ll stick a few comments with each crappy film title accordingly. Enjoy . . . OR NOT. In fact, you won’t with these ūüė¶

 

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20. TAMMY

Melissa McCarthy failed on every platform. An interesting story line? Nah. Good characters? Well, Susan Sarandon wasn’t bad. Jokes? Bar the fast food restaurant robbery, zilch.

I like McCarthy. I normally find her hilarious BUT she tried to deliver the same old loud mouthed, slobby monster with a heart spiel and it failed to keep me intrigued, interested or laughing (The ultimate crime of all).

Thoroughly disappointed. It was that flat, I have no energy to make any other comment. Check my review if you like.

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19. LUCY

How the hell this stayed at Number 1 in the UK for so long baffled me more than the finale?!

A racy opening had high hopes with the alluring ScarJo kicking ass and taking names whilst gaining higher intelligence. Check, check, check. I was ticking all the boxes.

BUT the endless scientific mumbo jumbo and ridiculous CGI kicked all tension, pace and fun out of this bonkers flick.

Not even the smooth dulcet tones of Morgan Freeman could save the day.

His character really had no idea what to do and was completely pointless and the finale?

WTF? I haven’t felt that confused and¬†annoyed since I watched The Matrix Revolutions.

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18. THE DEVIL’S KNOT

If not for the two (normally) talented leads, this would have been nothing more than a TV movie that you’d expect to see late at night on¬†Sky Atlantic’s twilight scheduling.

A harrowing opening showed promise BUT what we got was an overlong court yarn that was never really resolved.

A harsh twist BUT in terms of film viewing . . . DISAPPOINTING!

The constant repetition of the same old facts and the endless witness testimonies just numbed me into a little coma.

It just didn’t go anywhere in terms of suspense, performance or story. It felt like one of those American crime docudramas that are on the Crime Network all the time.

The only person who might come out unscathed was the legendary Colin Firth. He did his best and delivered a sterling Southern accent BUT it didn’t hide the fact his character was quite dull.

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17. OCULUS

That image above was my face coming out of the cinema after seeing this.

Karen Gillian and Brenton Thwaites did their best BUT Oculus was such a slow and tedious affair.

Evil mirrors? Really. Just lock it away if it can’t be broken. Job done.

The constant flashbacks coinciding with the present just mirrored (Ba-dum-tssh) what the pair were doing.

When it did finally get going, it got a little more watchable. BUT it just ended. Quite abruptly and SO predictably.

If I wasn’t so bored by the end, I would have been wild with rage. Meh.

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16. HORNS

Hell hath no fury like a horny Harry?

I wish. It was terrible. Radcliffe does his best to keep this watchable BUT the story is so weak and uninteresting that even when the weird stuff does kick in.

And it does. I could feel the Devil taking away my patience and interest.

It took an hour before anything of worth really happened. And the whodunnit was so obvious, I was saying out loud. It’s that person. Right there!

All we got was a sulky HP moping around some woods while people told him their darkest secrets.

Things get interesting for one moment when HP finally goes dark . . . BUT then he goes back to skulking around. Even with those ginormous devil horns and super devil powers? Lame.

And the ending was laughable. From the people who made this.

Haha. You sat through this. Infuriating, boring and just plain awful.

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15. OUIJA

This poster freaked me out more than the film.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. I wish they could have used the Ouija board to summon up something better than this.

Predictable, naff and unoriginal. This managed to make Long Time Dead a horror classic by comparison. And that was pretty shit.

Don’t get me wrong, there were a couple of jumpy bits. BUT it was hard not to when the music was so damn loud.

The scares reeked of desperation. The only shock I got was that this wasn’t filmed in a shaky handheld found footage format.

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14. GODZILLA

God help the sequel. How did this make money?

The film is called Godzilla. So why did we have a 90 minutes of giant moth mutants trying to get jiggy?!

The iconic monster only really surfacing for 15 minutes. Mindless exposition with bland characters. Aaron “Airhead” Taylor Johnson as the lead character.

I did my rant a long time ago. I can’t do this again.

BUT please watch this incredibly accurate Honest Trailer clip of Godzilla. It’s perfect. Unlike this monstrosity!

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13. ROBOCOP

I wouldn’t buy this for a dollar.

A completely unnecessary remake. Making this a 12A didn’t help matters.

There could have been an opportunity to poke fun at the social media, the iPhone. Anything that hadn’t been covered in the 1987 original. BUT no!

We got the same old guff. Just less violent, less satirical and . . . I forget my point.

Joel Kinnaman was terribly mechanical. Before he even donned the Robo get up.

Not even Samuel L Jackson could save the day. In fact he made it worse. I think he was trying to do his best (or worst) Ron Burgundy impression. Either way, it didn’t work.

Dead or alive, I wouldn’t bother watching this.

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12. I, FRANKENSTEIN

I can’t believe I sat through this.

If it wasn’t so laughable, I would have walked out.

It didn’t help that the cast, especially Aaron Eckhart, took it so seriously when the premise was so ridiculous and far fetched.

This could have been a fun B-movie mickey take BUT it was just a droll, cringe worthy disaster.

The 15 minute gargoyle battle in the closing half kept me quiet for that duration BUT it was hard to be that interested when you had no idea who was fighting.

Plus the characters were that unmemorable that you couldn’t give a monkey’s.

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11. MRS BROWN’S BOYS D’MOVIE

What da feck?

Now, I will admit. I am a fan. BUT O’Carroll really did take the biscuit.

Slapping any old thing together for a quick buck.

Applying the studio audience sitcom format to a movie? No, no, no!

The impromptu outtake in between the story line didn’t work and felt disjointed.

BUT the main issue is that it just wasn’t funny! I sighed, I fidgeted.

For a moment, I thought I was watching a foreign film without subtitles because everyone else was laughing.

For shame, Mrs Brown. Naff plot, naff characters and naff jokes makes this viewer one MAD RANTER.

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JUPITER ASCENDING REVIEW

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The only place this film is ascending in is my Worst Films of 2015 list.

Messy Matrix effects + a moody Mila = one moaning movie goer.

I always felt the Wachowskis never could reach the bar they set with The Matrix. The sequels; Reloaded and Revolutions were superb in visual and action set pieces but pace and plot? Meh.

I admired their execution of Cloud Atlas even if it was a bit of a mess. The pace and the disjointed story lines didn’t deliver for me.

Now we have Jupiter Ascending. The thought of a Matrix reboot may not be so bad if the guys will stop doing films like this.

A little harsh. It certainly zipped along for its 127 minute length BUT the story made no sense and had more holes than a sponge. And the cast?! My God. They must have been paid a lot of wonga to take on these poorly written characters.

*WARNING* RANT MAY CONTAIN POSSIBLE SPOILERS*

So what’s it about?¬†In a bright and colourful future, a young destitute caretaker (Mila Kunis) gets targeted by the ruthless son (Eddie Redmayne) of a powerful family who lives on a planet in need of a new heir, so she travels with a genetically engineered warrior (Channing Tatum) to the planet in order to stop his tyrant reign.

What?!

From the corny opening, I could feel myself wincing. Maria Doyle Kennedy (The Tudors) and James D’Arcy (Broadchurch) had enough chemistry to make it bearable as they fall in love. Inevitably leading to Jupiter’s conception.

It is only as the film concluded that I realised that the first 10-15 minutes were completely unnecessary and contributed nothing to the story. Only why Kunis’s character is called Jupiter.

D’Arcy’s father figure was prepared to risk his life with some ultra-violent burglars for a golden telescope.¬†The relevance of said telescope in the film? A cryptic map to the universe? A weapon? No, just something really nice and shiny.

The whole ironic illegal “alien” and actual alien status surrounding Jupiter was a nice touch.¬†We soon get a sense of her hum drum routine as a fed up maid. While in a galaxy far, far – No, Saturn.¬†We have the intergalactic royal siblings (played by Douglas Booth, Eddie Redmayne and Tuppence Middleton) squabbling over their inheritance.¬†Their inheritance being planets of the solar system. The most precious, of course, being Earth.

After his Oscar winning turn as Stephen Hawking in A Theory of Everything, I had high hopes for Mr. Redmayne. BUT boy, oh, boy. This is a step down. Razzie well and truly deserved. He must have been trying to do his best (well, worst) Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg impression from The Fifth Element.

Certainly got the haircut. His gravelly gangly master villain was something I expected to see in a pantomine. His volatile behaviour was laughable. At one point, he has a fit of rage that mimicked Delia Smith at that infamous Norwich game.

And she still delivered that with much more gusto. Granted she had way ti many martoonis. To make matters worse, he was virtually absent throughout the film, dispensing his Paul-esque alien henchmen to do his bidding or shrieking on a sofa.

The squabbling royal family had heavy Shakespearean undertones BUT it was hard to take it seriously with Booth and Tuppleton camping it up to the max. The whole solar system as their playground subplot seemed to dampen what could have been a darker affair.

There was a revelation halfway through the film that made things a little more interesting BUT there were still too many issues.

Channing Tatum did his best as the mystery genetically spliced bounty hunter. I’m sure ladies will be happy to see him roller¬†blading in anti-gravity boots with his shirt off for nearly half the film.

There was little chemistry between him and Kunis BUT I got to admit I found Kunis quite weak in the leading role.¬†I know it didn’t help with weak jokes and hammy dialogue. BUT she didn’t deliver any of them with conviction. Too laid back and flat for my liking.¬†I mean her reaction when she is surrounded by bees was worse than Marky Mark talking to a plastic plant in The Happening.

BUT she did look stunning in a bin liner. No, seriously. She wears a dress that looks like a bin liner. Must have spent the budget on the lavish sets. Because it weren’t on the clothes or the writers.

The special effects were, to be expected, superb. The 3D was a little lacklustre for the ticket price. I’m surprised cinemas are still bothering with this silly little gimmick.

The chase sequences were intense. However, they seemed to go on far too long and there was too much going on that it was a little disorienting. And by the end, the animation was so cartoony that it killed off some of the action.

It¬†may have looked good BUT the story was a mess. For every question I had, it was eventually explained but the answer was so ridiculous that I had even more questions. BUT by the end, I couldn’t care less.

I mean there were scenes in which the siblings were controlling ships from their bathing pools? Why? Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s big ears? What up with that?¬†Sean Bean’s space cop and, for some reason, bee keeper mumbling some mumbo jumbo about the history of the universe.

Or should I say, Sean Bee-n (A-ha! I’ll get my coat). Why the bees? Some rubbish about bees detecting royalty.¬†WHAT?¬†The more Sharp explained, the more I switched off. It just got sillier and sillier that it killed the fun and made me a little numb.¬†I was more surprised that Bean managed to survive his movie curse!

Even Tatum’s back story surrounding the origin of his albino werewolf alien hybrid just put¬†me into a mini¬†coma.¬†It just felt that it had too many ideas meshed together with none of them really working.

The creatures that featured in the universe (Well, Jupiter. I think it was Jupiter? And Earth) were brilliantly constructed. An action packed crop chasing sequence that rivalled Signs silenced my nagging voice until a lame punch line involving crop circles was delivered.

The bureaucracy segment in which Kunis must register her “royalty entitlement” in an intergalactic DMV with a robot that could trump C-3P0 in a robo-camp off just didn’t fit with the tone of the film and went on far too long.

The only explanation I could find for it was the surprise cameo from the legendary Terry Gilliam. A sight for sore eyes. Wachowskis trying to do a Brazil reference? If so, don’t do it again.

I know these sort of things are done with a level of exaggeration BUT it helps to have characters you care about. That’s half the battle. The other stuff could be as stupid as you like BUT alas, it was not to be.

It was all rushed and resolved so cheesily and predictably. Hinting for another like all the endless teen sci-fi flicks. But hopefully no one will take the hint.

2/5

THE BABADOOK REVIEW

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The Baba-boo-k!

A well-acted low budget horror that fails to live up to the hype. The wait for a decent horror movie goes on . . .

After all the buzz and promise, I came out of the cinema not in tears from fear and anxiety but tears of laughter.

After enduring a slow burning 40-odd minute build up, the moment arrives. The moment in which the dreaded Babadook finally makes its appearance and boy, oh, boy . . .

His cry sounded like a demented sheep. Baaa Baaa Dook. His appearance? *POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT* Nothingy more than Noel Fielding in his Hitcher get up from The Mighty Boosh. Minus the polo mint for an eye. And too much black lipstick. Oh! And of course, not forgetting those rubbery gloves that the Penguin wore in Batman Returns to complete the look.

To be honest, The Babadook felt like it was going through the motions. Or more importantly, through the checklist. Creaky floorboard here. Closing door there. Predictable. It doesn’t help that when the creature finally makes its appearance, it disappoints on every level.

It’s always a risk. I mean, look at Signs! After all the little teasers, the shadows in the night, the fast moving shapes and then we get that dreadful CGI thing. I was more freaked out by the demented pop up characters in the Babadook book (Totally rhymed there) than the actual demon. Thanks to the brilliant stop motion animation of Michael Cusack.

A little harsh you might say. Now, there are some plaudits to be had here and it’s not all bad just a little disappointing. Writer/director Jennifer Kent actually tried to tell a story. One that deals with grief and overcoming fears. Commendable in this day of shaky handcam and found footage horror movies that are in need of some serious exorcisms from the cinema.

And more importantly with two characters that you actually cared about. On first impressions, I was afraid that Daniel Henshall would annoy the hell out of me as Robbie. His initial monster hunter spiel was a little OTT but it did make for some comical moments as an exhausted Amelia (Essie Davis) must check every cupboard and nook and cranny.

However, as his character continued acting out and we learn more about his behaviour, I applaud the young lad’s performance and by the end I was routing for him. Essie Davis (The Matrix Revolutions – I know? I’m still trying to work out who?) was fantastic and played the grief stricken mother. She works well with Henshall and they make a great and believable pairing.

The film does deal with depression and paranoia quite well. And to be honest, there was a reasonable story beneath the surface. Amelia and Prue’s (Cathy Adamek) fractious sibling relationship was interesting and made for some heated drama with Prue prying into Robbie’s wellbeing. To be honest there were parts where I thought that maybe Tim Purcell’s¬†Babadook wasn’t needed at all.

Don’t get me wrong, the bumps in the night, the Babadook popping up in books, neighbour’s homes and televisions was eery¬†and the strange noises did create good moments of suspense but the big pay off wasn’t worth the wait. The scuttling and the door knocking was creepy enough but you kept wanting more. Oh . . . And the finale!

I could feel the burning eyes of my fellow cinema goers as I struggled to fight back the snorting. It actually made me snort with laughter.

Without saying too much. It felt like something out of Home Alone with little ‘ol Robbie doing everything to protect his family. With his little arsenal of weaponry in tow, he fired¬†cricket balls, set up trip wire on the stairs. Comical.

The ending wasn‚Äôt bad but it was a little flat after a frenetic and tense few minutes. In fact it was a little weird and a little predictable. It had good moments, a couple of jumpy bits and tried to be a little more than your bog standard horror but it just didn’t polish off as well as you hoped.

Certainly not the worst. In fact, the best one (So far) and it’s great to see a low budget Australian horror film prove what the big dumb commercialized American hybrids are failing to deliver. But at the same time, I am comparing it to the likes of As Above So Below, Oculus, Ouija and Annabelle, which doesn’t say a lot. And with the Pyramid approaching, I fear the wait for a decent horror film will continue.

3/5

LUCY REVIEW

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I love Lucy? Well I love ScarJo. But this movie? Not so much. A contender for blockbuster of the year. Luc Besson at his most ambitious. ScarJo at the helm. Hopes were high. But alas, it was not to be.

Now the film is about a¬†woman named Lucy (You don’t say) who gets roped into the illegal drug trade. Abducted and forced to be a drug mule, one of the bag bursts unleashing chemicals that unlock the full capacity of her mind. Woah. Turning her into a mind controlling mercenary.

It sounds ridiculous but good, right? Let’s be honest. I was ready to accept a ridiculous premise if the action was good and the characters were entertaining enough but apart from a great opening, this film seemed to run out of ideas drastically, throwing all sorts of stupendous CGI in the hope of distracting us from it. The madness soon cranks up to 11 but ends so abruptly and bizarre, I was left scratching my head. I haven’t felt like that since I watched The Matrix Revolutions.¬†Besson tried to be clever and philosophical but it came off pretentious and lazy.

A pacey opening sequence in which our alluring heroine is thrown into the criminal underworld had me gripped. It was suspenseful, gritty and intriguing.¬†That and a collection of strange characters;¬†Pilou Asbaek’s¬†(Borgen/Eurovision 2014 host) dim-witted¬†dispatcher, Min-sik Choi’s creepy Yakuza boss and Julian Rhind-Tutt’s (Green Wing) ultra-camp scientist appropriately titled The Limey¬†had enough to keep me¬†humoured.¬†The concept is pretty much Limitless 2 with boobs (Ha. Boobs. Stop it). However, Besson tried to take it to another level. Another level that for me didn’t work and made me just want to watch Limitless again.

The initial transition when Lucy starts unlocking¬†another section¬†of her mind’s capacity is¬†actually pretty good.¬†Some fast action punch ups and shoot-em ups kept¬†the film on its toes. However, as Lucy continues to reach her full potential,¬†the¬†movie hits a major lull as we drawn into scientific mumbo jumbo and random animation sequences¬†as they speculate hypothetical¬†“What If?” scenarios. It only highlighted the ridiculousness of it all. Not even Morgan Freeman’s eloquent tones could make that any more interesting. The only¬†interesting fact that came out of it was that the first¬†cave woman was called Lucy.

Limitless didn’t really try and pin point what could happen. While Lucy, the scenario is that our heroine will control mind over matter and even become matter herself. Wait¬†. . . what? Controlling computers, people and emptying bullets out of police officer’s guns, cool. But ScarJo soon becomes more robotic, which I suppose is understandable as she is becoming something much more than human but her acting comes off a little wooden. And the more Morgan Freeman appears in this, the more I realise how pointless his character actually is. He even admits that this is far beyond his research and hasn’t got a clue. He is left standing on the sidelines shrugging his shoulders and collecting his paycheck.

The car chase sequence around Paris was brilliant. That is until our good friend CGI rears its ugly head and ruins what was a decent action set piece. Computer animated cars flying left right and centre just looked naff. However, the finale soon shot down any momentum and enjoyment that I had during the first 30 minutes. Lucy’s mind soon reaches the capacity *POSSIBLE SPOILER* and she soon turns into something that is a mish mesh between Superman, Neo¬†and her alien hybrid from Under the Skin (I couldn’t stand that movie). Seriously, the finale was so frantic, ridiculous and bizarre that by the time I got past all the flashing images, it had ended and I was left baffled, confused and disappointed.

I say confused. I know what Besson was trying to say with his pretentious message but that was not what I expected from the trailers nor what I wanted this film to be. This is where it will make all the difference on how you perceive this movie. For me, a great opening was soon forced into a lull that sky rocketed into all out action finale (At last!) but was soon let down by a plot that had no idea where it wanted to go and unleashed an ending that would relieve the Wachowski Brothers after the Matrix trilogy.

Watchable. Yeah. Blockbuster of the year? Certainly not. Guardians of the Galaxy still takes that honour at the moment. 2.5/5 for me. Sorry Besson, go watch Leon and get back to basics. I do miss it.