THE TOP 20 WORST FILMS OF 2014 – PART ONE

Did you walk out of a film feeling angry, disappointed, baffled, confused?

Did you walk out of a film for that matter?

Did you sit in your car (or at home) reeling? Questioning, debating, pondering how on Earth it even got through the pitching process?

Then, welcome.

I think I’ve already compiled my worst films of 2015 which doesn’t bode well for the year that lies ahead.

BUT let’s (finally) review the worst films of 2014!

My criteria; Basically films that destroyed all excitement and anticipation or failed to deliver anything (Acting, talent, story, suspense . . . a movie).

Films that made me cry a little, scream with RAGE or just say, “I don’t think I’m going to bother anymore” . . . With the cinema (Woah, let’s not get too down now).

So for a change, let’s start from 20 – 11, followed by PART TWO with 10 – 1

SCALE: 20 DISAPPOINTED! – 1 WTF!

I’ll stick a few comments with each crappy film title accordingly. Enjoy . . . OR NOT. In fact, you won’t with these 😦

 

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20. TAMMY

Melissa McCarthy failed on every platform. An interesting story line? Nah. Good characters? Well, Susan Sarandon wasn’t bad. Jokes? Bar the fast food restaurant robbery, zilch.

I like McCarthy. I normally find her hilarious BUT she tried to deliver the same old loud mouthed, slobby monster with a heart spiel and it failed to keep me intrigued, interested or laughing (The ultimate crime of all).

Thoroughly disappointed. It was that flat, I have no energy to make any other comment. Check my review if you like.

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19. LUCY

How the hell this stayed at Number 1 in the UK for so long baffled me more than the finale?!

A racy opening had high hopes with the alluring ScarJo kicking ass and taking names whilst gaining higher intelligence. Check, check, check. I was ticking all the boxes.

BUT the endless scientific mumbo jumbo and ridiculous CGI kicked all tension, pace and fun out of this bonkers flick.

Not even the smooth dulcet tones of Morgan Freeman could save the day.

His character really had no idea what to do and was completely pointless and the finale?

WTF? I haven’t felt that confused and annoyed since I watched The Matrix Revolutions.

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18. THE DEVIL’S KNOT

If not for the two (normally) talented leads, this would have been nothing more than a TV movie that you’d expect to see late at night on Sky Atlantic’s twilight scheduling.

A harrowing opening showed promise BUT what we got was an overlong court yarn that was never really resolved.

A harsh twist BUT in terms of film viewing . . . DISAPPOINTING!

The constant repetition of the same old facts and the endless witness testimonies just numbed me into a little coma.

It just didn’t go anywhere in terms of suspense, performance or story. It felt like one of those American crime docudramas that are on the Crime Network all the time.

The only person who might come out unscathed was the legendary Colin Firth. He did his best and delivered a sterling Southern accent BUT it didn’t hide the fact his character was quite dull.

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17. OCULUS

That image above was my face coming out of the cinema after seeing this.

Karen Gillian and Brenton Thwaites did their best BUT Oculus was such a slow and tedious affair.

Evil mirrors? Really. Just lock it away if it can’t be broken. Job done.

The constant flashbacks coinciding with the present just mirrored (Ba-dum-tssh) what the pair were doing.

When it did finally get going, it got a little more watchable. BUT it just ended. Quite abruptly and SO predictably.

If I wasn’t so bored by the end, I would have been wild with rage. Meh.

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16. HORNS

Hell hath no fury like a horny Harry?

I wish. It was terrible. Radcliffe does his best to keep this watchable BUT the story is so weak and uninteresting that even when the weird stuff does kick in.

And it does. I could feel the Devil taking away my patience and interest.

It took an hour before anything of worth really happened. And the whodunnit was so obvious, I was saying out loud. It’s that person. Right there!

All we got was a sulky HP moping around some woods while people told him their darkest secrets.

Things get interesting for one moment when HP finally goes dark . . . BUT then he goes back to skulking around. Even with those ginormous devil horns and super devil powers? Lame.

And the ending was laughable. From the people who made this.

Haha. You sat through this. Infuriating, boring and just plain awful.

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15. OUIJA

This poster freaked me out more than the film.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. I wish they could have used the Ouija board to summon up something better than this.

Predictable, naff and unoriginal. This managed to make Long Time Dead a horror classic by comparison. And that was pretty shit.

Don’t get me wrong, there were a couple of jumpy bits. BUT it was hard not to when the music was so damn loud.

The scares reeked of desperation. The only shock I got was that this wasn’t filmed in a shaky handheld found footage format.

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14. GODZILLA

God help the sequel. How did this make money?

The film is called Godzilla. So why did we have a 90 minutes of giant moth mutants trying to get jiggy?!

The iconic monster only really surfacing for 15 minutes. Mindless exposition with bland characters. Aaron “Airhead” Taylor Johnson as the lead character.

I did my rant a long time ago. I can’t do this again.

BUT please watch this incredibly accurate Honest Trailer clip of Godzilla. It’s perfect. Unlike this monstrosity!

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13. ROBOCOP

I wouldn’t buy this for a dollar.

A completely unnecessary remake. Making this a 12A didn’t help matters.

There could have been an opportunity to poke fun at the social media, the iPhone. Anything that hadn’t been covered in the 1987 original. BUT no!

We got the same old guff. Just less violent, less satirical and . . . I forget my point.

Joel Kinnaman was terribly mechanical. Before he even donned the Robo get up.

Not even Samuel L Jackson could save the day. In fact he made it worse. I think he was trying to do his best (or worst) Ron Burgundy impression. Either way, it didn’t work.

Dead or alive, I wouldn’t bother watching this.

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12. I, FRANKENSTEIN

I can’t believe I sat through this.

If it wasn’t so laughable, I would have walked out.

It didn’t help that the cast, especially Aaron Eckhart, took it so seriously when the premise was so ridiculous and far fetched.

This could have been a fun B-movie mickey take BUT it was just a droll, cringe worthy disaster.

The 15 minute gargoyle battle in the closing half kept me quiet for that duration BUT it was hard to be that interested when you had no idea who was fighting.

Plus the characters were that unmemorable that you couldn’t give a monkey’s.

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11. MRS BROWN’S BOYS D’MOVIE

What da feck?

Now, I will admit. I am a fan. BUT O’Carroll really did take the biscuit.

Slapping any old thing together for a quick buck.

Applying the studio audience sitcom format to a movie? No, no, no!

The impromptu outtake in between the story line didn’t work and felt disjointed.

BUT the main issue is that it just wasn’t funny! I sighed, I fidgeted.

For a moment, I thought I was watching a foreign film without subtitles because everyone else was laughing.

For shame, Mrs Brown. Naff plot, naff characters and naff jokes makes this viewer one MAD RANTER.

*THROWBACK REVIEW* TAMMY

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Oh my . . . what went wrong? Now I’m a big fan of Melissa McCarthy. She has proven time and time again to deliver the funny. Breaking through with the mega-hit Bridesmaids; McCarthy has excelled. Her projects may lack in story and plot but always deliver in laughs. The Heat was exceptionally good. Mike and Molly on the other hand, is another story.

Now along comes Tammy. I watched the heavily plugged restaurant robbery trailer scene and had my doubts. However, that scene still got a guilty giggle. McCarthy poking fun at her figure while pulling funny faces seemed a little lazy. If I had known, that would be the best bit in the film, I would have skipped this altogether.

What it’s all about? After losing her job and learning that her husband has been unfaithful, Tammy hits the road with her profane, hard-drinking grandmother.

It doesn’t last long at the box office and unfortunately (this time) I can see why. BUT it’s not all bad. McCarthy carries the film as best she can. Her crazy dance moves, her snappy one liners are all there. However, her character is at times, very irritating. I actually found her voice grating on me. Shame.

Also I couldn’t help but feel that Tammy’s character was a rip off of Diana in The Identity Thief. Come to think of it, the entire film felt like a slight rip off of Identity Thief but a whole lot weaker and a lot less funny. And let’s be honest, The Identity Thief wasn’t perfect.

Susan Sarandon was fantastic and proved to be game for a laugh. Her alcoholic grandmother proved to be a great supporting character that worked really well with McCarthy. A perfect pairing.

If not for Sarandon, the little laughs that there were, would have been a whole lot less. However, their dream partnership didn’t really shine as much as you would hope. Their insults and banter drew the odd titter and at times, there were some genuine moments but you couldn’t help but want more.

Another problem for me was the pace and the change in tone. Tammy chugged along, at some points at a snail’s pace. Then out of nowhere after the film takes a more serious route, as if realising there isn’t enough gags to keep the questionable length going.

Understandably, McCarthy’s monstrous character must inevitably confront her inner demons and deal with her fractious relationship with her grandmother but it lacked the laughs and the drama to pull off the serious angle. It goes for sheer crazy with our dysfunctional Thelma and Louise performing ridiculous (but funny) robberies to mowing down deers and then deadpan serious and it just doesn’t work or gel properly.

The finale was surprisingly sobering and very unfunny which left me feeling . . . meh, really. All too corny and abrupt. It’s a shame especially with the cast that McCarthy had at her fingertips. They were left playing really flat and uninteresting supporting roles. Dan Ackroyd, Toni Collette and Sandra Oh played characters that any Tom, Dick or . . . Harriett could have played.

Alison Janney and Kathy Bates were the more memorable roles that managed to make an impression. It was great to see Gary “Office Space” Cole playing a sleazeball yet again but even he wasn’t that memorable or interesting. And that is the main problem with all the potential, bar a couple of funny moments, it’s all uninteresting, flat and unmemorable. I will take this as a blip but expecting better things to come from Miss McCarthy.

2 (just) out of 5