*NEW* THE HITMAN’S BODYGUARD REVIEW *NEW*

Hit and miss BUT still good fun.

The world’s top bodyguard (Ryan Reynolds) gets a new client, a hit man (Samuel L Jackson) who must testify at the International Court of Justice. They must put their differences aside and work together to make it to the trial on time.

Sometimes with movies like this, you just know what you’re going to get. A silly popcorn flick. It won’t win plaudits for plot and originality BUT if it does the job then what’s the problem?

Reynolds applied his usual quick-witted shtick. I thought I’d be getting fed up of watching him in “Deadpool mode” BUT he still owns it. Even if some of the quips came off a little flat in places.

BUT the main scene stealer was Samuel L (The “L stands for Motherf**ker”) Jackson. Cackling like a mad man and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. He made this movie. If not for him, I don’t think this would have fared as well. Legend.

The supporting cast was disappointing. More so with the characters than the performances.

Did Gary Oldman even realise his character was a parody of himself? He played a cliche of his own evil Russian villain cliche. Yikes. The villain was too weak, even for him. He took the role far too seriously. Shame. I was hoping he could have lapped it up and poked fun at himself. Alas, it was not to be.

We’ve seen this sort of character so many times before and done better . . . By the man himself.

Even the fiery Elektra Natchios (Elodie Yung – Daredevil) was reduced to a schmaltzy scorned ex subplot. Her verbal sparring with Reynolds was corny and dull.

There wasn’t enough Hayek. She was hilarious in the dreadfully small cameo. I would have been happy to have her on the road trip with the two hot heads. BUT then there wouldn’t be any incentive for Jackson’s character.

I’ll never hear Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’ in the same way again. A flashback to Hayek and Jackson’s love story had me in stitches. Their eyes met across a violent bar brawl. Brilliant.

The inevitable backstabbing and “reveal” of the mole breaching security was mind-numbingly obvious. And the “twist” (or reason) behind Reynold and Jackson’s heated rivalry was predictable to boot.

Thankfully the action sequences made up for the generic story line. The race through Amsterdam was riveting, utterly bonkers BUT entertaining to the max. Seriously, the punch ups were insane; especially Reynolds’ DIY store scuffle with a Goliathan mercenary.

The humour delivered in parts. Some gags overstayed their welcome. Watching Jackson sing-a-long in a bus with nuns? YES! YES! YES!

Listening to him share childish insults with Deadpool and singing over each other? Not so much.

The action sequences were decent, the hokey plot was passable BUT the credit goes to the two leads who made a somewhat TV movie premise a little more than the generic mess it could have been.

I just the pair could have improvised off the cuff a little more. It felt like the 15 certificate rating held them back.

Watchable guff though.

3/5 (Just)

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*NEW* SAUSAGE PARTY REVIEW *NEW*

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One of the most outrageous, ridiculous, stupid BUT funniest films I’ve seen this year.

A sausage (Seth Rogen) strives to discover the truth about his existence.

If you’re a fan of Rogen’s crass drug induced humour and want to see him take on Toy Story BUT with talking food, then this is right up your street. Anybody else, serious movies are on Aisle 3.

The opening lulled you into a false sense of security as all the various supermarket food products burst into song praising the Gods (Us) for choosing and taking them to the “Great Beyond”. BUT as the lullaby progressed, I had to do a double take to make sure I heard that right.

And before I knew it, the song turned into something from South Park with a Sauerkraut in the guise of Adolf Hitler plotting the extermination of the J(ew) uice. And we hadn’t even got to the noodles yet.

It really was ridiculous BUT fun. We had the blossoming romance between Frank’s (Rogen) sausage and Brenda’s (Kristen Wiig – Ghostbusters) sexy bun as they prepared to go to the Great Beyond and finally get together. Crude innuendos aside.

However, things don’t go to plan as the pair fall out of their trolley cart. Leading to one messed up little cartoon.

The trolley crash looked like something out of a battlefield. You had a banana’s face hanging off. Peanut Butter scooping up his wife Jelly’s squishy remains. So stupid BUT it got me! With a handful of food goods, Frank and co. travel across the supermarket to discover the horrible truth.

The pair fearing they had upset the Gods by breaking out of their packages and “touching tips” (Relax. Touching hands. Yeah, they have hands).

Along their way, they meet Lavarche (David Krumholtz – Numbers) and Sammy (voiced by none other than Edward ‘Fight Club’ Norton). A perfect encapsulation of the Israeli/Palestinian crisis. The commentary and jibes were pleasantly tongue in cheek “You come into our aisle and take our shelves” and “There are 72 extra virgin oils waiting for me on the other side”.

The supporting characters were fantastic. Bill Hader (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) was hilarious as Chief Firewater. The ancient whiskey that knows all. Salma Hayek delivered her sultry tones to a lesbian taco and Craig Robinson as the ‘un-perishable’ Mr Grits (They call me Mr Grits!). My God!

It took me a while to recognise the voice of Barry the deformed sausage. Michael Cera – where has he been? The scared little sausage who faces the great Beyond. A mad little subplot that I’m surprised I didn’t pick at more. I mean, come on. There was a drug dealer, tweaking on bath salts, who was able to talk to them.

The endless movie references. The unbelievable gore. Even though it was food literally getting prepared. A potato being skinned alive. Carrots being diced and sliced. Brilliant.

Nick Kroll did a decent job of voicing a Douche. No, really. As well as dealing with accepting that all his friends were being cut up, fried and boiled for his Gods’ sustenance, Frank has to fend off a vengeance seeking douche bag who he knocked out of the cart. Killing juice boxes, tequila bottles and ‘roiding’ up to accomplish this vendetta.

The only problem was that his character became increasingly less funny as he kept popping up. His running gag with random fruit appearing at the end of his punch lines was fun BUT it got worse: “How do you like them apples?” Cue a bag of apples turning round smiling. “No, not you!”

If none of this is winning you over (and no, I’m not making any of it up!), then this is definitely not for you.

All the sly digs at Disney were there with all the food smoking herbs, getting smashed and screaming profanities for 90 minutes. There was even a car bumper sticker with ‘DIXAR’ spread across it.

The finale was utterly outrageous. Words cannot describe what I watched. It was f*ked up. It’s not as if Rogen and co haven’t gone for the shock factor before. I mean, This is the End cut it pretty close. BUT I was still surprised of what lied in store.

Mental, stupid, it’s the closest you’ll get to a stoned Rogen giving a Pixar style movie the VIP treatment.

3/5