Mortified! Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Johnny Depp does his damndest to make this dreadfully unfunny farce watchable but frankly my dears, it’s just not good enough or funny enough.
If you were a little reluctant about seeing this after viewing the trailers, I’m sorry to say it is just as bad as you think.
I’ve always rated Depp and thought even if the film is a little drab, he can certainly lift it off the ground. Dark Shadows, I’m looking at you.
BUT it doesn’t help that his character is so annoying. On paper, I’m sure he was supposed to come off as Inspector Clousseau as an art dealer BUT boy, oh, boy, the end result . . .
I felt just as rotten as Gwyneth Paltrow did kissing Mortdecai’s moustache.
The plot was nothing more than a silly excuse to go across the world for some silly escapades. The con got a little baffling but it all came to a predictable and unfunny conclusion.
Depp pulling faces and waffling in his posh toff voice just wasn’t enough. Initially I couldn’t stand the bloke but by the end he had just about won me over.
I felt Depp had to overact just to get some sort of titter. For every good one liner (My file was fat and well-handled like a Welsh barmaid), there were dozens that dropped faster than a lead balloon.
Paul Bettany did his best as Mortdecai’s muscle and man servant Jock but he can’t pull off the thug role. He certainly looked the part BUT doing a cockney accent that would make even the big daddy himself Ray Winstone cringe says it all.
Sorry, Jarvis but you came off as a mug.
There was some camaraderie between him and Depp and there were a few moments in which I felt a smile crack behind my cynical demeanour.
I felt that Depp had to rely on former impressions to get a laugh. A scene in which Jock is man-handling a drunk Mortdecai felt like nothing more than Captain Jack Sparrow waffling away. It reeked of desperation.
The action sequences were incredibly lacklustre. The relentless CGI in a simple car chase sequence was very off-putting considering all the other stunt work was done by proper stunt men. Hardly memorable.
I think the only fight sequence that got my attention was when Mortdecai set Jock’s hands alight and he beat up a group of angry henchmen with fists of fire! Ridiculously OTT but impressive.
This might have fared better as a cartoon series on the telly BUT as a high rolling Hollywood crime caper? No, darling.
NOT even Ewan McGregor could get things going.
The brewing rivalry between his character Chief Inspector Martland and Mortdecai had potential BUT it was all too tame and playful to amount to anything good . . . or interesting for that matter.
The odd spot of banter but no real friction.
Martland as the lovesick puppy desperate to hump Paltrow’s leg had the odd giggle BUT again was hardly that entertaining.
The recurring joke about Mortdecai’s moustache was so-so at best.
I think the only time I laughed at this irritating gag was the bedroom scene with his beloved, Johanna (Paltrow).
Paltrow and Depp had some good chemistry and made this scene a little more bearable with some snappy dialogue. Her gag reflex every time she touches his tash was okay the first time.
BUT his sympathetic gag reflex and the constant repetition of said gag. No, no, no!
Bar one unexpected punch line, “You look like you have a vagina on your face!”
I felt that writer Eric Aronson was desperately setting up red herrings just to get Paltrow back into the film. Breaking up the unfunny film with more unfunny subplots that led nowhere.
A scene with the Duke (Michael Byrne) was terrible. If it was meant to be a cheeky pop at the Duke of Edinbrugh, it failed.
Going on about how damned attractive Paltrow was. I usually admire the alluring actress but her character Johanna was so bland and to be honest Paltrow was looking eerily thin.
The 45 minute marker in which Depp reaches America and has his first experience in a hotel actually made me laugh a couple of times.
And things seemed to perk up and gel a bit better but it really couldn’t save itself from the damage of a poor first half.
The recurring gag of Jock sleeping around was lazy but did get the odd chortle.
BUT the hit and miss gag ratio wasn’t helped by the flat supporting cast; Jeff Goldblum had the easiest role going in a highly unmemorable and unnecessary appearance. Olivia Munn may have looked stunning (Zuts Alor!) BUT her character (apart from being an attractive nymphomaniac) was pretty bland.
The legendary Paul Whitehouse made more of an impression in his 2 minute cameo as the maniacal mechanic Spinoza.
There’s the odd titter to be had but with the cast and the potential it promised, it fell dreadfully short as did my patience.
Peter Sellers had a natural flair to the role. He made Clousseau seem real. The trips, the goofs. Depp unfortunately seemed to take lessons from Steve Martin. Ridiculously out of depth, OTT and unfunny.
David Koepp may have penned some of the iconic movies of the last two decades; Jurassic Park, Mission Impossible and Spiderman BUT let’s not forget he also gave us Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and now this . . .
Sorry, Mr Depp. This is a rather horrid stain on an impeccable filmography. Better luck next time, old bean.