THE WORST FILMS OF 2014 – PART TWO

Did you walk out of a film feeling angry, disappointed, baffled, confused?

Did you walk out of a film for that matter?

Did you sit in your car (or at home) reeling? Questioning, debating, pondering how on Earth it even got through the pitching process?

Then, welcome.

I think I’ve already compiled my worst films of 2015 which doesn’t bode well for the year that lies ahead.

BUT let’s (finally) review the worst films of 2014!

My criteria; Basically films that destroyed all excitement and anticipation or failed to deliver anything (Acting, talent, story, suspense, a movie).

Films that made me cry a little, scream with RAGE or just say, “I don’t think I’m going to bother anymore” . . . With the cinema (Woah, let’s not get too down now).

So I’ve already provided PART ONE from 20-11. NOW, it’s finally time for PART TWO with 10 – 1

SCALE: 10 DISAPPOINTED! – 1 WTF!

I’ll stick a few comments with each crappy film title accordingly. Enjoy . . . OR NOT. In fact, you won’t with these 😦

 

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10. WALKING WITH DINOSAURS: THE 3D MOVIE

I know, it’s a kid’s movie. BUT the dino facts were so patronising and stupid that it put me in a rage! I mean, come on! Kids can read. BUT the slow TRI-CER-A-T-OPS pronunciation was infuriating.

Plus they interrupted any interesting development in the dull by the numbers story line. The effects were good BUT the 3D? What 3D?

Not even John Lequizamo’s vocal work could save the day. In fact he annoyed the hell out of me. A talking crow narrating the history of the dinosaurs to a family?

LOGIC?! It just didn’t help the main character grated against me and the story was so predictable and corny that you lost interest.

The purpose of a family movie is to appeal . . . to a family. I don’t even think the little ‘uns would be fussed about watching this one.

Go watch the vastly superior award winning BBC documentary series instead!

 

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9. THE HARRY HILL MOVIE

Harry Hill making a movie? Any good? There’s only one way to find out?

NO! Hill tries to incorporate his TV Burp format to the big screen with a silly premise about taking his ill hamster to Blackpool.

Johnny Vegas does his best to get a chuckle as Abu the hamster. Abu? Wait. Isn’t that the name of another furry sidekick? Hmmm . . .

It was a shame with the talent at Hill’s disposal. Julie Walters, Matt Lucas, Jim Broadbent . . . Will from Inbetweeners.

For every good gag, Hill manages to balance it with a dozen duds.

It’s surreal, stupid and a mess to boot. I felt like I was on something watching it. Maybe I should have to try and understand how Hill thought this would be entertaining.

 

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8. DEVIL’S DUE

Another regurgitated, predictable, lazy, teen horror movie that desperately attempts to reap from the Paranormal Activity hype.

Paranormal Activity was a treat, an actual creepy, tension builder, that recreated and improved what the overrated handy-cam trend setter The Blair Witch Project set out.

A couple go on an exotic Brazilian honeymoon. They get lost. Get drunk. Suspicious taxi driver recommends strange place. Takes them before they can say, “Wait a minute”. And that last drink, oh that inevitable last drink. Instead of passing out on the bathroom floor, poor Sam gets impregnated by a Satanic cult.

The main issue is that the writers and producers either have never seen Rosemary’s Baby and inadvertently delivered a poor modern day rehash of it or they knew what they were doing which is even more tragic.

However, too many movies have popped their ugly heads out from this craze and I pray that this be the last but unfortunately the true horror is that it won’t be. (Just keep scrolling)

 

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7. THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

The . . . last film they should do about Mars. Oh my days. Shambolic. The pain endured watching this space turd was like having a xenomorph burst out of my chest and that still would have been more entertaining than this drivel.

Slow, tension less, shoddily acted, more holes than a sponge. This film should be jettisoned into space. Okay, rant over. Better? Better.

It is such a shame that an underrated cast have the opportunity to shine in a perfect B movie-esque vehicle and miss at every angle.

They could have done a shot for shot remake of Alien and they still would have messed it up.

If it wasn’t for the fact it was funded by the BFI and Irish Film Board, this definitely wouldn’t have made it to the big screen and rightly so. The fact it only featured at my cinema for five days says it all.

Also the film is called Last Days on Mars and yet when we join them, they are 19 hours away from going home so surely THE LAST DAY ON MARS. Couldn’t even get the title right.

 

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6. NATIVITY 3: DUDE WHERE’S MY DONKEY?!

Ho, ho, ho – horrible!

From the moment the first badly mimed, badly choreographed and terribly out of sync flash mob started busting shapes, I knew I was in for it. And that was just from the adults. The kids hadn’t even started yet.

Just because it was Christmas that doesn’t mean you can slap any old thing together and expect people to pay and see it. It was lazy, unfunny and poor. At a push, worth taking the little ‘uns if they are aged up to 5 tops.

I’m sure it was fun for everyone who filmed it. It’s just a shame they couldn’t convey that for everybody else.

I didn’t get me in the Christmas spirit but it certainly got reaching for the ones in my cupboard. Should be Dude, Where’s My Money?

 

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5. TRANSCENDENCE

Transcen-dunce or dense. A mind numbingly drab affair of a concept that has just enough meat to be a generic TV movie you’d expect to see on late night SyFy.

You know you’re onto a loser when the opening five minutes pretty much tells you what to expect and an established cast sleepwalk their lines and fail to make an impression.

It just proves that a little thing called story, along with some others called character, plot and interest still count.

Sleep walking performances, along with a by the numbers story line, relying on the popularity of familiar actors does not a good or profitable movie make.

I hope the memory of viewing this film will transcend, evaporating like the little nano-bots into nothingness. Avoid or upload at your own peril.

 

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4. UNDER THE SKIN

Under the skin? More like grating against my skin. What the hell did I just watch? Now imagine Species. Replace Natasha Henstridge with the even more alluring Scarlett Johansson. Set it in a grittier, murkier Scottish backdrop and bang on, you have . . . something worse than Species.

In fact just watch Species or the even more dire sequels to this drivel.

ScarJo plays a flirty alien that feasts on weak, shallow, lonely Scottish men. How could this be so bad? How can the man who brought us Sexy Beast produce this?

I mean he did do the oddly bizarre Birth. You know Birth? Nicole Kidman and her husband who is reincarnated as a 10 year old? Oh, that Birth, yeah.

 

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3. INTO THE STORM

Where to begin? The insufferable shaky handheld camera work? The cheesy Day After Tomorrow guff that managed to be more vomit inducing than the Day After Tomorrow?

The redneck tornado chasers? Richard Armitage getting his arse sucked off by a twister? Well, it bloody looked like he was.

This just made me want to walk out of the screen. Go to the nearest store that had the Twister DVD. Go back to the projectionist and tell them to put that on instead.

It was cringe-inducing bilge. I have never laughed so much. This was a farce. I have seen B-movies on SyFy that have contained better story lines and characters than this.

 

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2. AS ABOVE SO BELOW

As I watched, the more it blowed. Now childish sulky comments aside. Another found footage “horror” film graces the big screen with cheap scares, poorly acted, badly written characters and a laughable premise.

There is no tension. Random characters get bumped off left, right and centre without any background, interest or concern. Suspense. Naff all.

Loud noises and screams may make me jump out of my seat but what do you expect when the story has put me into a coma, near enough.

Feldman’s character with a dark past who constantly keeps reiterating that he will not go down into the catacombs; inevitably gets pushed down into the cave and what is his big secret?

He’s CLAUSTROPHOBIC! Why didn’t he say that in the first place? Idiot. Oh my God, it felt like something out of a comedy sketch.

 

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1. AND THE AWARD FOR WORST FILM OF 2014 GOES TO . . .

THE PYRAMID

This film should be buried beneath a pyramid.

You know you’re onto a loser when the saving grace is Jay from The Inbetweeners.

What a load of s#@! The demon bared a striking resemblance to those devil dog things from the live action Scooby Doo reboot. The one with Matthew Lillard as Shaggy.

It took half the film before they even got into the flipping thing. The ending was abrupt and predictable after all that endurance with the shoddy, shaky camera work.

Seriously, these found footage films need to STOP. It was too dark to see anything. Half of the time you get an elbow or a nostril. Come on, we’re in the Go Pro age guys!

Mindless exposition about unoriginal premises that have been done to death with lifeless characters that bicker through predictable and unscary scenarios are not acceptable.

 

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IT FOLLOWS REVIEW

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IT SUCKS!

I’m sorry. I had to get that out of my system.

You should have seen me coming out of the cinema after viewing this.

So what’s it about? After a seemingly innocent sexual encounter, 19 year old Jay (Maika Monroe) finds herself plagued by strange visions and the inescapable sense that someone, something, is following her.

A tedious, dull, and horrific affair . . . for all the wrong reasons.

Now credit where it’s due. Writer/director David Robert Mitchell has a fresh premise at his fingertips.

Playing on teen fears and safe sex was a good little hook and when IT does appear, things do get a little tense and interesting. Weird but interesting.

It’s a shame that IT only appears for a total of 20-odd minutes in a 100 minute movie.

Rich Vreeland composed a fantastic haunting score that was nostalgic of the old school 80s horror flicks.

The creepy electro keyboard playing added much needed tension to this flaccid film.

The agonizingly slow opening sequence showed potential as we see an earlier victim desperately try to escape IT.

It did come off a little comical. I mean, she actually runs around in a circle. That is because IT is following her.

Irritatingly, we can’t see it. However, my interest was piqued.

BUT alas, we are left with Monroe (The Guest) moping around, faffing about in a swimming pool and staring at herself in the mirror.

I’m not kidding. Monroe must have spent a full minute of screen time staring at the mirror.

She plays the vulnerable female lead that was common in the old 80s horror flicks very well. I just wish her character wasn’t so dreary.

We are subjected to her droll relationship with Jake Weary’s Hugh. Things only really kick off when they get jiggy. No, not like that.

Before we know it, Monroe’s Jay is strapped in a wheelchair and given rules about IT.

IT WILL FOLLOW YOU. DON’T LET IT TOUCH YOU. DON’T GO IN A ROOM WITH ONE EXIT. YOU WILL SEE IT. IT WILL COME IN DIFFERENT FORMS.

You get the picture. Suspenseful, strange but engaging.

However, we get more mindless exposition, endless walking, driving and more talking.

This is all relieved by the sudden appearance of IT. Bizarrely in the form of a nude old person. WTF?

Or some demented giant? He looked like Carel Struycken from Twin Peaks.

What baffled me was how IT kills. Apparently in different ways.

Because the opening victim *POSSIBLE SPOILERS* was dismembered. What happens to another character was just plain weird. A sexed up version of The Ring. Without going into too much information. Demented.

The beach sequence was racy, tense and had me a little on edge.

IT finally making a proper impact. A clever little bit of special effects made for a surprise moment.

If only every scene was like that, I would have been satisfied.

The finale did get a little better with some well built suspense BUT the ending was terrible!

It just ended so abruptly and predictably. That’s the problem with these horror films. There’s only ever two outcomes and neither were going to be that rewarding.

BUT if the ride is worth the hype than it doesn’t matter.

A real shame after a couple of scary turns, this ride just strolls along to its stop.

Seriously, the conversations between Jay’s friends was just so monotonous. I could feel life (well, time . . . and patience) slipping away from me.

The only conversation that was worth noting was when they realise that IT can be passed through the activity of sexual intercourse. Fancy wording there.

If you were looking for a PR piece for safe sex then IT FOLLOWS would be perfect.

Keir Gilchrist’s (It’s Kind of a Funny Story) Paul was such a bland character. His constant lovesick puppy expression and drooling over Jay only suggested only one outcome for the poor boy. So predictable.

Olivia Luccardi’s character was one of the most useless and annoying friends going. I was praying for IT to come and get her.

All she did was moan, sleep, eat and scream. Textbook horror victim. I forgot her character’s name from all the excitement.

I am glad to see that people are going back to the classics and trying to rework that magic.

BUT you can’t just rip it off with bland characters, slow brooding shots and a haunting track. You need the suspense, the tension and the interest!

DISAPPOINTED? Not even close.

One of the most striking American horror movies in years? Compared to the drivel of the last few years. I can see that. BUT against the greats? Not even in the same league.

2/5

1 – for the premise

1 – for the scares that got me