JURASSIC WORLD REVIEW

Revisiting the monster hit that tore up the box office and . . . Meh.

I loved the original. An iconic piece of film making that I have lost many a Sunday afternoon watching again and again.

It was always going to be hard not to draw comparisons. BUT this was just about en par with the misfire that was Jurassic Park III.

A new theme park is built on the original site of Jurassic Park. Everything is going well until the park’s newest attraction, a genetically modified giant stealth killing machine, escapes containment and goes on a killing spree.

Apart from unintentionally sparking a race quibble with an inappropriately named dinosaur, the film was flawed from the get go. You didn’t know about the little race row? Allow Mobeen and Lamboo to educate you . . .

It wasn’t all bad. I was just a little disappointed. The opening didn’t get things going. Of course, the Jurassic films always had that slow burning build up before the dinos would inevitably break free or unleash mayhem.

BUT it didn’t help that the characters were so cliched and uninteresting. Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins’ divorce stricken brothers were irritating beyond relief.

Judy Greer was reduced to another minor and meaningless supporting role as their mum. However, her only contribution; the best line of the film; “Remember. If something chases you. RUN!”

Chris Pratt. The man of the hour. Was pretty much . . . Himself. Normally, his spiel works BUT his smooth talking snappy one liners didn’t really deliver this time around.

Is the only role the guy can play? Star Lord as a raptor handler should have been a winner. BUT it just didn’t do it for me.

He fared better as the film went on. Especially when it all kicked off. Stepping up and actually trying to be a different character.

The lovely Bryce Dallas Howard was very good as the workaholic aunt hell bent on making Jurassic World a money making business.

It shouldn’t have worked but I liked how she managed to evade dinosaurs, fight raptors and chase after her nephews . . . in heels.

Some of the cornier exchanges were a bit hit and miss BUT Howard and Pratt’s chemistry saw it through.

Vincent D’Onofrio was wasted as Hoskins. He did his best BUT it’s all been done to death with Ingen. It really was the same old predictable guff. We had all the backstabbing and hidden agendas in The Lost World. Dull.

Irrfan Khan (Life of Pi) may have channelled his inner John Hammond with the eccentric millionaire Masrani BUT he did my head in.

And for some reason, he was the only helicopter pilot on the whole island. Seriously? All those soldiers, weapons and dinosaurs. No pilots. Talk about squeezing pennies.

I feared with the overindulgence of CGI in films these days that the dinos would fail to reach the levels that Stan Winston had delivered. When Jurassic World was first unveiled, the iconic John Williams score blared through the speakers, that excitement from my inner fan boy still buzzed.

BUT once the score had subsided, I realised how rubbish the layout of Jurassic World actually looked. I’m not sure whether writer/director Colin Trevorrow was making a statement at how corporate involvement can ruin every aspect. If so, then fair play. If not, then the set designers need a little talking too. It looked like a cheap Dino Disneyland.

The real stars for me were thankfully the prehistoric predators. And they still stole the show. The animation and special effects were fantastic! The chase sequences were tense, exhilarating and racy. Everything I had hoped for.

And the creepy introduction of a new dino demon picked up massive points. The gene-splicing element certainly made things a lot more interesting. A new intelligent species that hunts for sport. Brilliant.

A simple question about what happened to it’s sibling; a cold stare from Clare (Howard) and I was intrigued . . . “She ate it”.

Every time the Indominus Rex (Terrible name, I know) appeared, I felt that same fear as a little kid when the raptors and T-Rex appeared in JP.

The jungle sabotage sequence was superb. A perfect homage to Aliens. The dino camouflaged in the trees. The mercenaries’ life monitors with their pulses beeping in the background. The inevitable outcome reaching it’s nail biting conclusion.

Funny enough as the dinos were unleashed, the two lads actually improved. They worked together and were nowhere near as annoying as Lex and Tim. Trading bickering for resourcefulness. Redeemed.

Jake Johnson (New Girl) didn’t do too bad as the new ‘Dennis’, I mean, Larry. A mad tech geek that really hasn’t got a clue. He delivered the laughs that Pratt and co failed to.

Trevorrow certainly appealed to the JP fan in me. There were a number of nods and references that made me smile (Mr DNA being a particular highlight). It was great to see B.D Wong return as Dr Henry Wu (Wu who? Come on, you remember him. Thank God. Neither did I).

Composer Michael Giacchino delivered another fantastic soundtrack and took on the reins with aplomb.

The special effects were immense (The pterodactyl attack – Words escape me), the dinosaurs stole the show BUT can we have some better characters?

All the naff one liners and cheesy encounters just made me miss Grant and Malcolm. Hell, even Laura Dern’s ear piercing wailing.

Fun enough effort that falls short of the original.

3/5

*NEW* THE MUMMY REVIEW *NEW*

Oh Mumma, the horror, the horror!

Bring back Brendan Fraser!

An ancient Egyptian princess (Sofia Boutella) is awakened from her crypt beneath the desert, bringing with her malevolence grown over millennia, and terrors that defy human comprehension.

Okay, it wasn’t that bad BUT it wasn’t that great either.

To be honest, the opening act didn’t mess about. It quickly set up the premise. Flicked back and forth from one ridiculous explosive set piece to another. Cruise’s cocky Indiana Jones just about got away with it. I mean, fair play to the 55 year old for still throwing himself about and jumping across rooftops.

I really hoped Cruise and Jake Johnson’s (New Girl) pairing would have worked better. Johnson’s incessant yelling did my head in. Especially in the frenetic opening Iraq shoot em up sequence.

I just wanted him to shut up. Thankfully his swift exit was a pleasant relief.

No scarab beetles?! No Omid Djalili screaming like a banshee? (What?) Camel spiders and rats? Really? Meh.

The tone was all over the place. Too stupid to be funny and NOT dark enough to be a real horror.

The 1999 Stephen Sommers blockbuster and The Mummy Returns were perfectly balanced. They played the right level of cheese, humour (John Hannah, come on!) and let’s not forget that tongue in cheek horror.

The less we say about Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, the better. Let’s not forget there was a reason why the franchise got rebooted in the first place.

The problem with this reboot was that I couldn’t stop making comparisons to the Fraser flick. On paper, swapping the dynamic around (Making the Mummy female) and modernizing it actually had potential BUT it failed to offer anything new.

Arnold Vosloo was a sinister presence. A creepy adversary (And no, let’s not mention the horrifically CGI’d Scorpion King).

Ugh.

Boutella did her best with the role BUT her lines were dull and she spent too much time in the background.

Annabelle Wallis (Peaky Blinders) was far too serious and annoying for her own good. Rachel Weisz (my first screen crush. Don’t know why I thought I’d share that) was irritating but had her charm.

Plus it helped that there was actual chemistry between her and Fraser. No matter how nauseating it got in the Mummy Returns (Fans, am I right?)

There was zero chemistry between Cruise and Wallis. Replacing smouldering tension and friction with playground insults and more yelling.

Ben Seresin’s cinematography was fantastic to look at. The visual effects were impressive BUT not memorable. It was going to be tough to top Imhotep’s smiling face in the sandstorm.

Still haunts me . . . Moving on . . .

There were some good points (Really?). The make-up and effects were impressive. The creepy zombie soldiers and their Dementor style death kiss was a nice touch. Soul kissing the life out of people in the background while Cruise and Wallis continued to bicker and highlight enormous plot holes.

Johnson worked at lot better when he popped up in Nick’s (Cruise) subconscious. The bathroom encounter had a creepy American Werewolf in London vibe to it.

Cruise’s comical crusty corpse church punch up had me in stitches. BUT it just didn’t quite have the fun of O’Connell’s crypt chase.

Despite the vacuum sized plot holes (Seriously who brings a hostile ancient evil right to the very thing she is seeking. Face palm. Duh!), the writers really missed an opportunity with Russell Crowe.

He lapped it up as Jekyll. He lifted every scene with the right level of flamboyance. The exact thing needed to keep a silly monster movie like this entertaining.

And he was only in it for 15 minutes. Sigh. Even if his Hyde impression was a little Ray Winstone incarnate with some messy panda eyes. Seriously, let’s make him Crowe look evil. Smear some runny mascara over his face. That’ll do it. Did they run out of money?

Normally you can bank on Cruise to deliver a big popcorn movie. And he makes this mess watchable. He was just lucky that Alex Kurtzmann threw enough chaotic smash em grab em to hide what a mess this really was. BUT I didn’t expect too much and I’ve seen a lot worse for the ratings this film has received.

A mess BUT a watchable one. At least. Fraser fans may be left fuming BUT if you want a frantic time filler with enough bang for your buck, it won’t do any harm. Just don’t expect too much.

2.5/5

*NEW* MIKE AND DAVE NEED WEDDING DATES REVIEW *NEW*

Mike and Dave needed better writers.

Two hard-partying brothers (Adam Devine and Zac Efron) place an online ad to find the perfect dates for their sister’s Hawaiian wedding. Hoping for a wild getaway, the boys instead find themselves out-hustled by an uncontrollable duo (Aubrey Plaza and Anna Kendrick).

OTT, crude with the odd laugh. Not as bad as I thought it would be BUT that not great either.

The opening didn’t really build my hopes up (I’m getting fed up of writing this sentence). It was established from the get go that the juvenile brothers were complete morons. Their feeble attempt at hustlin’ a new client to buy their booze was okay. BUT I could feel my eyes wandering towards my phone already. NOT even Plaza and Kendrick’s introduction did anything to improve matters.

However, once the wedding date proposal came into play, things picked up. The awkward dating encounters that the Brothers Stangle endured did have me smiling. Attracting all sorts of nutters. A particular highlight involving a man dressed up as a woman desperate for the vacation and willing to do anything for it.

It’s good to see Efron letting loose and poking fun at himself. Dirty Grandpa seemed to shake off his squeaky clean High School Musical image. I’ve never really rated Devine (Pitch Perfect). He always grated against me BUT (thankfully) by the end, the pair won me over. They worked well together and there were moments where you could tell they were trying not to laugh.

Speaking of Dirty Grandpa, Plaza played the feisty foul mouthed slutty role yet again with pretty much the same results. Hilarious in one moment, annoying as hell the next. If anything she played the part better when she was trying to be serious.

I was surprised to see Little Miss Pitch Perfect Anna Kendrick tweaking on ecstasy and effin’ and jeffin’. A complete role change for her. The silly subplot in which her character dealt with her own wedding grief didn’t really come off as well as it should have. BUT once Kendrick was able to bring her schtick to the fold, she nailed it.

“Did you just push your t*ts up and say feminism?!” There was fun to be had and there were genuine moments where I laughed out loud as Mike and Dave met their match with the two ladies. Devine and Plaza were good together especially during Tatiana’s attempts to evade Mike’s advances.

The rest of the supporting cast were a mixed bag. Jake Johnson (New Girl) was completely wasted in his role. Anyone could have played him. Was he supposed to be a passing cameo or was the rest of his part edited in the cutting room? Shame.

Sam Richardson (Veep) never really got going as Jeanie’s boring groom-to-be Eric. Once he broke out of his shell, he was hilarious. Not enough. Sugar Lyn Beard was quite funny as the Stangle’s little sis Jeanie.

Kumail Nanjiani (Silicon Valley) was mental as the creepy masseuse that gave Jeanie “the VIP treatment” (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Swinging his nude carcass in like a wrecking ball. However, the entertaining sequence soon went too far and killed the fun.

Alice Wetterlund was really annoying as Mike and Dave’s lesbian Cousin Terry. Her quest to steal any girl away from Mike for fun. The problem was that it just wasn’t funny. Her attempts to “woo” Tatiana and a naked punch up in a spa was just terrible.

Stephen Root (Office Space) didn’t really deliver as the frustrated father. I wanted more of him. The film did try to explore the characters as they addressed their flaws. BUT it was just never going to be that kind of movie. It just dragged the piece and came off really corny. Especially when they didn’t really change that much anyway.

It was watchable and killed the time. The quad bike incident was brilliant – “You look like Burnt Victim Barbie and . . .  you’re Black Ken”. If these quotes aren’t grabbing you, then this movie won’t.

The finale was stupid, OTT BUT left a smile. If you’re in the mood for a silly crude comedy that fits the style of Dirty Grandpa then give it a go. BUT otherwise, don’t bother.

2.5/5

JURASSIC WORLD REVIEW

Revisiting the monster hit that tore up the box office and . . . Meh.

I loved the original. An iconic piece of film making that I have lost many a Sunday afternoon watching again and again.

It was always going to be hard not to draw comparisons. BUT this was just about en par with the misfire that was Jurassic Park III.

A new theme park is built on the original site of Jurassic Park. Everything is going well until the park’s newest attraction, a genetically modified giant stealth killing machine, escapes containment and goes on a killing spree.

Apart from unintentionally sparking a race quibble with an inappropriately named dinosaur, the film was flawed from the get go. You didn’t know about the little race row? Allow Mobeen and Lamboo to educate you . . .

It wasn’t all bad. I was just a little disappointed. The opening didn’t get things going. Of course, the Jurassic films always had that slow burning build up before the dinos would inevitably break free or unleash mayhem.

BUT it didn’t help that the characters were so cliched and uninteresting. Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins’ divorce stricken brothers were irritating beyond relief.

Judy Greer was reduced to another minor and meaningless supporting role as their mum. However, her only contribution; the best line of the film; “Remember. If something chases you. RUN!”

Chris Pratt. The man of the hour. Was pretty much . . . Himself. Normally, his spiel works BUT his smooth talking snappy one liners didn’t really deliver this time around.

Is the only role the guy can play? Star Lord as a raptor handler should have been a winner. BUT it just didn’t do it for me.

He fared better as the film went on. Especially when it all kicked off. Stepping up and actually trying to be a different character.

The lovely Bryce Dallas Howard was very good as the workaholic aunt hell bent on making Jurassic World a money making business.

It shouldn’t have worked but I liked how she managed to evade dinosaurs, fight raptors and chase after her nephews . . . in heels.

Some of the cornier exchanges were a bit hit and miss BUT Howard and Pratt’s chemistry saw it through.

Vincent D’Onofrio was wasted as Hoskins. He did his best BUT it’s all been done to death with Ingen. It really was the same old predictable guff. We had all the backstabbing and hidden agendas in The Lost World. Dull.

Irrfan Khan (Life of Pi) may have channelled his inner John Hammond with the eccentric millionaire Masrani BUT he did my head in.

And for some reason, he was the only helicopter pilot on the whole island. Seriously? All those soldiers, weapons and dinosaurs. No pilots. Talk about squeezing pennies.

I feared with the overindulgence of CGI in films these days that the dinos would fail to reach the levels that Stan Winston had delivered. When Jurassic World was first unveiled, the iconic John Williams score blared through the speakers, that excitement from my inner fan boy still buzzed.

BUT once the score had subsided, I realised how rubbish the layout of Jurassic World actually looked. I’m not sure whether writer/director Colin Trevorrow was making a statement at how corporate involvement can ruin every aspect. If so, then fair play. If not, then the set designers need a little talking too. It looked like a cheap Dino Disneyland.

The real stars for me were thankfully the prehistoric predators. And they still stole the show. The animation and special effects were fantastic! The chase sequences were tense, exhilarating and racy. Everything I had hoped for.

And the creepy introduction of a new dino demon picked up massive points. The gene-splicing element certainly made things a lot more interesting. A new intelligent species that hunts for sport. Brilliant.

A simple question about what happened to it’s sibling; a cold stare from Clare (Howard) and I was intrigued . . . “She ate it”.

Every time the Indominus Rex (Terrible name, I know) appeared, I felt that same fear as a little kid when the raptors and T-Rex appeared in JP.

The jungle sabotage sequence was superb. A perfect homage to Aliens. The dino camouflaged in the trees. The mercenaries’ life monitors with their pulses beeping in the background. The inevitable outcome reaching it’s nail biting conclusion.

Funny enough as the dinos were unleashed, the two lads actually improved. They worked together and were nowhere near as annoying as Lex and Tim. Trading bickering for resourcefulness. Redeemed.

Jake Johnson (New Girl) didn’t do too bad as the new ‘Dennis’, I mean, Larry. A mad tech geek that really hasn’t got a clue. He delivered the laughs that Pratt and co failed to.

Trevorrow certainly appealed to the JP fan in me. There were a number of nods and references that made me smile (Mr DNA being a particular highlight). It was great to see B.D Wong return as Dr Henry Wu (Wu who? Come on, you remember him. Thank God. Neither did I).

Composer Michael Giacchino delivered another fantastic soundtrack and took on the reins with aplomb.

The special effects were immense (The pterodactyl attack – Words escape me), the dinosaurs stole the show BUT can we have some better characters?

All the naff one liners and cheesy encounters just made me miss Grant and Malcolm. Hell, even Laura Dern’s ear piercing wailing.

Fun enough effort that falls short of the original.

3/5

LET’S BE COPS REVIEW

Let’s Be Cops! Let’s not . . .

Until I’ve finishing this review. Ah ha! Anyway . . .

Nick and Original Pilot Coach from New Girl decide to be cops leading to an OTT but highly watchable action comedy. That’s what you get!

Some of the better bits are in the trailers and I feared that there would be little in between. However, it was all down to the partnership and chemistry of Jake Johnson and Damon Wayans Jr that allowed jokes that really should have been mediocre and ridiculous, quite entertaining. Certain jokes still fall flat on their backside. An initial joke in which Justin (Wayans Jr) tells a line of apprehended Russian mobsters to put their hands on their heads and body pop started off funny but went on too long. Facebook selfies with rifles. Silly but okay.

I guess it’s down to what mood you’re in. If you think the premise is ridiculous then do not bother. It’s get a whole lot crazier and a whole lot sillier. But if you’re up for that then bienvenue, wilkommen, welcome!

Most of the heavily advertised funny bits in the trailers were done in the first 20 minutes. Although funny, if you’ve been unlucky to see them numerous times it’s highly predictable. I’m worried that Johnson may be typecast into playing Nick now for the rest of his acting career. I hope I’m wrong. It works this time round even if his character is a little more demented. The guy practices knife combat training with a kid he met in the park. Crazy. His impulsive EBay purchase of an old police vehicle and combat education from YouTube videos was too scary a concept with this day and age.

The plot is hardly original. Two thirty year old slackers that are either frustrated with work (or not working at all) get given an opportunity to be somebody (well pretend to be somebody), inevitably leading to hi-jinks and upsetting the Russian mob. James D’Arcy (Master and Commander: The Far Side of The World) didn’t do too badly as the Russian psychopath. He had the acting conviction but not the body to pull it off. It was hard to be intimidated by his scrawny demeanour. But at the same time, with the tank sized henchmen at his disposal, does he need to bulk up?

The supporting cast certainly do help make this film work. An unrecognisable Keegan-Michael Key (Fargo) played the highly agitated and crazy drug peddler Pupa to perfection, delivering the gags where the pace seemed to dip. Nick (Johnson), I mean Ryan’s interpretation of waterboarding Pupa for information was hilarious. Natasha Leggero’s (Suburgatory) crazy cougar cameo wowewewow. For others, they may find her irritating and stupid but me . . . and Nina Dobrev (The Vampire Diaries) oh my goodness.

Okay, I’ll stop. Wayans Jr and Dobrev play the inevitable couple subplot spiel as well as they can. But it’s still corny and predictable as hell. I was surprised to see Rob Riggle playing it straight faced for a change. Especially after his hilarious supporting turns in 22 Jump Street and Step Brothers. However, it works so much better. And Andy Garcia, where you been? Great to see him back in movies and poking fun at himself. Even if he plays it incredibly straight faced. I think he was the only person doing some proper “acting” acting.

Johnson and Wayans Jr work well together. Their characters will hardly top the action comedy duos of all time but they certainly help make this film more enjoyable than it should be for all its clichéd and OTT guff. They can make as many Lethal Weapon references as they want but Riggs and Murtaugh they ain’t. Wayans Jr was definitely the scene stealer for me. He does his father proud, following his style but is still able to put his own stamp on it. It’s corny, predictable, OTT but it’s not the worst way to kill 100 minutes and it delivered more laughs than I expected. However, the best cop com movie for me is still 22 Jump Street, which this one falls short of. But NOT BAD.

For me, it’s a 3/5.

BAD NEIGHBOURS REVIEW

Rogen vs Efron. Family vs Frat. Who Will Win? There’s only one way to find out . . . if you like that sort of thing.

Rogen’s best? Not even close. But is it funny? (The very purpose of a comedy). Did I laugh? Is it one of those movies where the best bits are in the trailers? Yes, yes, and unfortunately quite a bit. Once you’ve seen Rogen hurtled up in the air after sitting on a rigged chair involving an airbag, it gets old very quickly. Although Rogen creeping around the house with a broomstick did reprieve the gag. Surprisingly enough one of the heavily advertised gags wasn’t in the film. Back to my getting old quip. At it’s very core, the film is about a couple who have had their first child (the adorable Vargas twins) and are still trying to be cool and young. Beating the “constraints” that parenthood has apparently set on their “partying” lifestyles. In all fairness, there could have been a bigger examination into their relationship but it would have been an entirely different film.

A couple of well acted scenes make them a little more than a caricature couple. But come on, this is a fraternity freakshow involving Seth Rogen. He applies his slobby swearing spiel and luckily it still works. The whole slacking smoking pot thing is getting a little old. Rogen and Rose Byrne work well together and have good chemistry. It was good to see Rose Byrne (Damages) take off the serious shackles and lighten up. The scenes in which the Radners are trying to be cool with the kids is incredibly cringeworthy but nicely done. Others will say not funny, but that’s kind of the point as the pair battle to come to terms that its time to grow up. Or is it?

That soon gets thrown out of the window as low and behold the house next door is sold to a fraternity led by the charismatic and incredibly hench Zac Efron. (Just when I couldn’t hate him any more). Efron shakes off that squeaky clean High School Musical mould in one silk movement of his middle finger. Efron proves yet again to be a talented lead in a testosterone-pumped cast of fraternity frat boys. In all fairness, once Efron and Rogen meet, the film picks up. Their Batman impression off is worth watching alone. The getting high and taking shots scenes. Again, once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Rogen and Efron in a drunken dance off. Better.

Once the rivalry is set and the pranks begin, the thin plot gets thrown out like Rogen on the airbag. Where we got Efron coming to terms that he may have wasted his college years partying and the Radners battling to accept parenthood, we soon get college humour, dicking around (No literally, Rogen and Efron at one point are slapping each other with giant dildos) in an inevitably corny and OTT fashion. The big punch up finale being an incredibly hilarious, if ridiculous scene. It’s all still enjoyable, if a little lazy. It’s a shame that the talented cast didn’t really make as much of an impact as you would hope. Lisa Kudrow (Friends) plays a useless dean, Carla Gallo (Bones/Superbad) is shoved in an irritating and useless role and Christopher “McLovin/The Motherfucker” Mintz-Plasse is highly unmemorable, simply squawking YOLO in a high pitched voice. Disappointing after so many great turns. Ali Cobrin (American Pie: American Reunion) and Halston Sage (The Bling Ring) were wasted as silly frat chicks. Shame.

It’s the smaller names that provide the funnier characters. Craig Roberts’ turn (you may remember him? Look again. Here’s a hint. Richard Ayoade’s Submarine. Yep) as the appropriately named Assjuice wasn’t bad. Just as we get rid of one Franco, we find out there’s another. Dave Franco (Now You See Me) was good and is proving to be one to watch. Up and coming stand up Jerrod Carmichael was hilarious as weed junkie Garf. The award for scene stealing support act goes to Ike Barinholtz (The Mindy Project) as Rogen’s neurotic best friend Jimmy. His impromptu one liners, bat shit crazy attitude and impeccable impressions of certain celebrities brings the film up a notch. The scene in which the frat house explain their origins and how they came across beer pong, the boot, etc was cheesy if funny and a lazy excuse to shove in a number of cameos from The Lonely Island and Jake Johnson (Nick from New Girl).

So in conclusion, do you like Rogen? Do you like Efron? Then bienvenue this film is for you. It’s big, dumb, silly, corny, OTT but brings the odd chuckle. Not a keg full but enough little shots to keep you buzzing 3 (just) out of 5!

Currently ranks #64 out of 175!