THE TOP 20 WORST FILMS OF 2014 – PART ONE

Did you walk out of a film feeling angry, disappointed, baffled, confused?

Did you walk out of a film for that matter?

Did you sit in your car (or at home) reeling? Questioning, debating, pondering how on Earth it even got through the pitching process?

Then, welcome.

I think I’ve already compiled my worst films of 2015 which doesn’t bode well for the year that lies ahead.

BUT let’s (finally) review the worst films of 2014!

My criteria; Basically films that destroyed all excitement and anticipation or failed to deliver anything (Acting, talent, story, suspense . . . a movie).

Films that made me cry a little, scream with RAGE or just say, “I don’t think I’m going to bother anymore” . . . With the cinema (Woah, let’s not get too down now).

So for a change, let’s start from 20 – 11, followed by PART TWO with 10 – 1

SCALE: 20 DISAPPOINTED! – 1 WTF!

I’ll stick a few comments with each crappy film title accordingly. Enjoy . . . OR NOT. In fact, you won’t with these 😦

 

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20. TAMMY

Melissa McCarthy failed on every platform. An interesting story line? Nah. Good characters? Well, Susan Sarandon wasn’t bad. Jokes? Bar the fast food restaurant robbery, zilch.

I like McCarthy. I normally find her hilarious BUT she tried to deliver the same old loud mouthed, slobby monster with a heart spiel and it failed to keep me intrigued, interested or laughing (The ultimate crime of all).

Thoroughly disappointed. It was that flat, I have no energy to make any other comment. Check my review if you like.

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19. LUCY

How the hell this stayed at Number 1 in the UK for so long baffled me more than the finale?!

A racy opening had high hopes with the alluring ScarJo kicking ass and taking names whilst gaining higher intelligence. Check, check, check. I was ticking all the boxes.

BUT the endless scientific mumbo jumbo and ridiculous CGI kicked all tension, pace and fun out of this bonkers flick.

Not even the smooth dulcet tones of Morgan Freeman could save the day.

His character really had no idea what to do and was completely pointless and the finale?

WTF? I haven’t felt that confused and annoyed since I watched The Matrix Revolutions.

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18. THE DEVIL’S KNOT

If not for the two (normally) talented leads, this would have been nothing more than a TV movie that you’d expect to see late at night on Sky Atlantic’s twilight scheduling.

A harrowing opening showed promise BUT what we got was an overlong court yarn that was never really resolved.

A harsh twist BUT in terms of film viewing . . . DISAPPOINTING!

The constant repetition of the same old facts and the endless witness testimonies just numbed me into a little coma.

It just didn’t go anywhere in terms of suspense, performance or story. It felt like one of those American crime docudramas that are on the Crime Network all the time.

The only person who might come out unscathed was the legendary Colin Firth. He did his best and delivered a sterling Southern accent BUT it didn’t hide the fact his character was quite dull.

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17. OCULUS

That image above was my face coming out of the cinema after seeing this.

Karen Gillian and Brenton Thwaites did their best BUT Oculus was such a slow and tedious affair.

Evil mirrors? Really. Just lock it away if it can’t be broken. Job done.

The constant flashbacks coinciding with the present just mirrored (Ba-dum-tssh) what the pair were doing.

When it did finally get going, it got a little more watchable. BUT it just ended. Quite abruptly and SO predictably.

If I wasn’t so bored by the end, I would have been wild with rage. Meh.

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16. HORNS

Hell hath no fury like a horny Harry?

I wish. It was terrible. Radcliffe does his best to keep this watchable BUT the story is so weak and uninteresting that even when the weird stuff does kick in.

And it does. I could feel the Devil taking away my patience and interest.

It took an hour before anything of worth really happened. And the whodunnit was so obvious, I was saying out loud. It’s that person. Right there!

All we got was a sulky HP moping around some woods while people told him their darkest secrets.

Things get interesting for one moment when HP finally goes dark . . . BUT then he goes back to skulking around. Even with those ginormous devil horns and super devil powers? Lame.

And the ending was laughable. From the people who made this.

Haha. You sat through this. Infuriating, boring and just plain awful.

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15. OUIJA

This poster freaked me out more than the film.

I said it before and I’ll say it again. I wish they could have used the Ouija board to summon up something better than this.

Predictable, naff and unoriginal. This managed to make Long Time Dead a horror classic by comparison. And that was pretty shit.

Don’t get me wrong, there were a couple of jumpy bits. BUT it was hard not to when the music was so damn loud.

The scares reeked of desperation. The only shock I got was that this wasn’t filmed in a shaky handheld found footage format.

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14. GODZILLA

God help the sequel. How did this make money?

The film is called Godzilla. So why did we have a 90 minutes of giant moth mutants trying to get jiggy?!

The iconic monster only really surfacing for 15 minutes. Mindless exposition with bland characters. Aaron “Airhead” Taylor Johnson as the lead character.

I did my rant a long time ago. I can’t do this again.

BUT please watch this incredibly accurate Honest Trailer clip of Godzilla. It’s perfect. Unlike this monstrosity!

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13. ROBOCOP

I wouldn’t buy this for a dollar.

A completely unnecessary remake. Making this a 12A didn’t help matters.

There could have been an opportunity to poke fun at the social media, the iPhone. Anything that hadn’t been covered in the 1987 original. BUT no!

We got the same old guff. Just less violent, less satirical and . . . I forget my point.

Joel Kinnaman was terribly mechanical. Before he even donned the Robo get up.

Not even Samuel L Jackson could save the day. In fact he made it worse. I think he was trying to do his best (or worst) Ron Burgundy impression. Either way, it didn’t work.

Dead or alive, I wouldn’t bother watching this.

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12. I, FRANKENSTEIN

I can’t believe I sat through this.

If it wasn’t so laughable, I would have walked out.

It didn’t help that the cast, especially Aaron Eckhart, took it so seriously when the premise was so ridiculous and far fetched.

This could have been a fun B-movie mickey take BUT it was just a droll, cringe worthy disaster.

The 15 minute gargoyle battle in the closing half kept me quiet for that duration BUT it was hard to be that interested when you had no idea who was fighting.

Plus the characters were that unmemorable that you couldn’t give a monkey’s.

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11. MRS BROWN’S BOYS D’MOVIE

What da feck?

Now, I will admit. I am a fan. BUT O’Carroll really did take the biscuit.

Slapping any old thing together for a quick buck.

Applying the studio audience sitcom format to a movie? No, no, no!

The impromptu outtake in between the story line didn’t work and felt disjointed.

BUT the main issue is that it just wasn’t funny! I sighed, I fidgeted.

For a moment, I thought I was watching a foreign film without subtitles because everyone else was laughing.

For shame, Mrs Brown. Naff plot, naff characters and naff jokes makes this viewer one MAD RANTER.

HORNS REVIEW

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Yawwwnnnnssss . . .

Hell hath no fury like a horny Harry.

Daniel Radcliffe delivers another standout performance. It’s just a shame that despite his best efforts, this film should go back to the fiery hole it came from.

You’re a demon, Harry.

Anyway, enough Harry Potter jokes. Let’s get down to business. I would rather watch Radcliffe rap in that weird American accent for two hours than endure this turgid affair again.

So what’s it all about? In the aftermath of his girlfriend’s (Juno Temple) mysterious death, a young man (Radcliffe) awakens to find strange horns sprouting from his temples. (That’s right, horns)

We get straight into the luvvy duvvy guff with Radcliffe and Temple cuddling up in their loveshack; a taddy old treehouse in the middle of some dreary woodland. The pair have good chemistry but it’s all a little tame and dreadfully slow.

That is until the incident. It literally flicks forward with Ignacious Perrish (You read that right. If you find that ridiculous, I haven’t even started) being accused of his beloved’s murder.

Radcliffe certainly plays the part well and I thought he mastered the American accent quite well. If you can get over that rapping cameo on the Jimmy Fallon show.

As Ig attempts to piece together his girlfriend’s murder, he suddenly wakes up very horny (Come on, stop it). Yeah, he has horns. Some lazy plot device about turning away from God and being claimed by the Devil. Blimey, if everyone did that, I’d be seeing all sorts of horny folk (Okay, let’s it).

I understand that this was adapted from Joe Hill’s gothic novel. This film certainly didn’t make me want to read it. I can accept a level (well, a degree) of fantasy and exaggeration but it goes from dead pan serious to flat out ridiculous.

And that’s the problem, the tone very much like the story line is . . . all over the place. And by the time, it makes a decision. It’s over or you’ve lost interest.

The horns were just plain weird. The fact people start acting strange. From telling the truth to performing their darkest desires stretching from a girl scoffing a box of doughnuts to a dentist banging his nurse to a comatose Ig.

Some of the confessions are comical (An old lady fighting the urge to tell an annoying toddler to shut the front door, for example). While other moments just fall flat on their arse. A scene making some lazy commentary on the news media could have been done so much better. Their initial truth telling comments were eerily realistic but the all out royal rumble in the dirt was just farcical.

What infuriated me is that while I was trying to get my head around the whole horn thing. The only thing that kept me intrigued while this film churned along then goes and flashes back to when the star crossed lovers first met as kids.

It was incredibly corny, predictable and just plain dull. In the first ten minutes, all the characters pretty much spoon fed you their origins and then we have to see it? Why?

It was only when we got to see the last few encounters before Juno Temple’s untimely demise that it got a little more interesting. A little. Her role was completely wasted, to be honest. A shame.

What really disappointed me was that the whole devil angle wasn’t really used until the last 30 minutes. The last 30 minutes of a two hour film?!

In that last half an hour, things finally kicked off (At last) with Ig embracing the darkness with a scaly necklace in tow. Busting out the old Parseltongue to his slytherin’ companions and unleashing the horny avenger.

But in between that, we had to endure predictable red herring murder mystery BS and surreal moments that had a hint of Twin Peaks . . . On crack.

Director Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes/Mirrors) had a good supporting cast at his fingertips; David Morse (The Green Mile), James Remar (Dexter), Max Minghella (That British douche from The Internship) and Heather Graham.

They do their best to lift their flat and uninspiring characters. Graham and Minghella stood out particularly. Joe Anderson (Across The Universe/The Grey) was also pretty good as Ig’s brother. But all the finger pointing and flicking about led to the same old end result.

It was so obvious who it was but the how did catch me out . . . A little bit.

The jazz music interludes did my nut in. What was the point of them? It seemed every time I got interested in a scene, Aja and writer Keith Bunn would throw in something that would kill the tension or disrupt what was a good scene.

And the finale? Well, what a Keiwaste of time.

Ol’ Harry turns into a badass devil and all he does is mope, scream and get beaten up . . .  a lot. It was unbelievably flat.

A couple moments of dark humour and crafty special effects does not a good movie make. Radcliffe certainly carries the film with all the charisma he can muster. But not even his magic can work on this.

It just seemed to produce more plot holes, more questions and by the end you couldn’t care less.

If you’re a supernatural or Radcliffe nut, give it a go. But otherwise, the power of Christ compels you NOT to see this film.

In the words of Kevin Sorbo’s Hercules . . .

2/5