*NEW* KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD REVIEW *NEW*

I don’t know what was worse; David Beckham’s cameo or the movie altogether.

Thy verdict is in and its all apples and pears, san.

Robbed of his birthright, Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) comes up the hard way in the back alleys of the city. But once he pulls the sword from the stone, he is forced to acknowledge his true legacy – whether he likes it or not.

The opening 20 minutes was better than I thought with Eric Bana (Troy) bossin’ it as Uther Pendragon. The murky Sherlock Holmes style backdrop may have put a dampener on things but there was action, sword fights and creatures with enough cheese to keep things entertaining.

Ritchie regular Jude Law did his best as the slimy Vortigern. BUT he spent the majority of the film sulking, pouting and pulling faces. His dialogue was bland bar one exchange with a tortured prisoner that delivered an unexpected ear gag.

What annoyed me the most was that Ritchie and co skimmed through the origin build up. Flash forwarding Arthur’s upbringing in a brothel with a quick montage of Sons of Anarchy’s Charlie Hunnam screaming and pounding on his well toned abs.

I wouldn’t have minded the build up as we might have had better connections with Arthur’s band of cockney geezers. I might have actually cared about them.

By the 30 minute marker, it felt like Ritchie had copped out and tried to work his Lock, Stock magic on the thing. An interrogation sequence with the King’s Guard tried to deliver that quick witted humour BUT it just didn’t work.

“Which Mick? Flat Nose Mick, East End Mick or Chinese Mick?” Really? Taking the mick, more like. I preferred the darker Game of Thrones undertone.

I know this wasn’t going to win plaudits for groundbreaking cinema. It was a blockbuster retelling the legend of Arthur BUT it was a bit of a hot mess.

Hunnam just about pulled off the charm offensive as Arthur BUT he came off as such a cocky tool.

I could understand his initial behaviour (at first) BUT he didn’t get any better and grew considerably more childish as the agonizing pace fumbled along.

The tone was was all over the gaff. Silly and laughable one second and relentlessly dark and brooding, the next. Failing to work on any level.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There were chunks that were highly watchable and there was fun to be had . . . in places. I loved the street chase sequence with the Rock ‘n’ Rolla style handicam perspective.

Some of the exchanges delivered the odd quip and drew a smile. BUT not as much as Golden Balls’ squeaky Sarge. His voice and laughable dialogue did nothing for him. Eric Cantona may have been bitten by the acting bug. BUT not everyone can make that transition. Sorry, Becks.

The female roles were terrible. I don’t know who Katie McGrath (Jurassic World) has upset in Hollywood BUT she always plays characters that never last. Annabelle Wallis (Peaky Blinkers) was weak. Anyone could have played her. If they needed her character altogether.

Astrid Berges-Frisby (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) was dreadful as The Mage. Her deadpan delivery and pasty faced complexion did nothing for the role. There was zero chemistry between her and Hunnam. The “friendly” banter was so awkward to watch that I was screaming for Merlin.

It didn’t help that the story (for all its “re-working”) went through the motions. The majority of the supporting cast were highly unmemorable.

NOT even Game of Thrones’ Little Finger (Aiden Gillen) could save the day. Utopia’s Neil Maskell was the only “knight” who made an impression.

The film picked up by the 75th minute marker and delivered an entertaining 30 minutes BUT I could still feel my eyes wandering to my phone as we waited for the (rushed) finale.

The mixed special effects delivered impressive visuals and disorienting mayhem. Especially when Arthur finally got to use Excalibur in all its horrifically CGI ‘d glory. Blasting knights left, right and centre in a horrendously dusky haze of carnage.

Arthur and Vortigen’s fight was disappointing after all the build up and endless dreams/flashbacks revisiting Arthur’s past.

Frustrating doesn’t come close. Ritchie kept skimming through the good bits and leaving us with the chaff. The Dark Island training montage had giant creatures; bats, snakes and god knows what else. Felt like an excerpt from a different movie. Why couldn’t we have more of that?

Watchable guff BUT nothing to shout home about. I actually preferred the Clive Owen re-working instead.

2.5/5

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*NEW* THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. REVIEW *NEW*

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Slick, cool, funny. Guy Ritchie is back with a bang!

In the early 1960s, CIA agent Napoleon Solo (Henry Cavill – Man of Steel) and KGB operative Illya Kuryakin (Armie Hammer – The Lone Ranger) participate in a joint mission against a mysterious criminal organization, which is working to proliferate nuclear weapons.

I know that this was based on the original TV show BUT I’ve never seen it so I can’t make comparisons on Ritchie and writer Lionel Wigram’s (Sherlock Holmes) adaptation.

The first hour was action packed and reminded me of the spy movies of old. An elongated opening car chase ticked all the boxes (Even if it was hindered by shoddy CGI). It certainly injected the fun back into the spy genre. Now that the Bond films have gone in a darker direction, I felt the corny one liners and light humour was a much needed tonic. Giving the piece a nostalgia feel.

Cavill was fantastic as Solo. The more I watched him steal the show, the more I thought to myself, “Bond”. Despite playing an undercover CIA asset, he would have been a perfect replacement. The looks, the charm and the charisma. But alas, the Justice League has claimed him as the Man of Steel for the foreseeable future.

I loved the dynamic between the trio. They were perfectly cast. The fiery Alicia Vikander playing the reluctant mother to two sparring boys. Cavill and Hammer worked well together and made Solo and Kuryakin’s fractious relationship entertaining as hell. “This is not the Russian way!” It was good to see Hammer excel as ‘The Red Peril’ after the lacklustre Lone Ranger.

The quick witted exchanges and uneasy tension kept me going (Through some of the sillier moments) with the pair constantly trying to get one up on each other at every turn. From their overcompensating gadgets and hotel room bug stand-off to dressing Gaby (Vikander) for her cover -“The shoes won’t match. They don’t need to match”.

Vikander and Hammer had great chemistry as Gaby is reluctantly assigned to Kuryakin as his undercover fiancee. I just wish Vikander’s back story was more interesting. The story line involving her missing scientist father was a little weak. I loved how we only got tidbits of Solo and Hammer’s past.

Jared Harris was wasted in his small supporting role as Solo’s handler Adrian Sanders. He delivered yet another another mangled accent BUT at least this one was better than his Irish rendition in that horrific Poltergeist remake.

However, the second half of the film was where things went wrong. It was very clunky and disjointed. The tone was mismatched and took a much more serious turn that didn’t quite work. A highly macabre scene involving the pair bickering while their suspect was being roasted on an electric chair in the background was too much. Especially after the easygoing pace and playful banter.

And tragically, the pace did get hampered by the plot. And for all its “complexities”; the story was far too predictable. Typical guff involving Nazis and the Cold War. Go, figure! It killed a lot of the fun and momentum that had kept me entertained for 60-odd minutes. The inevitable double bluffing and backstabbing between the team got a little long at the tooth for me.

Elizabeth Debicki (The Night Manager) was wasted as the femme fatale Victoria Vinciguerra. She did her best with the role but was left in the background far too much. Only coming back for the frantic finale.

The same can be said for Hugh Grant (Four Weddings and a Funeral). God, he’s looking old. He wasn’t in it enough. His renowned bumbling and quick witted exchanges a welcome return; “For a special agent, you’re not having a particularly special day, are you?”.

The finale brought everything back into play and made up for a stumbling middle act with a mad dash explosive climax and (Hardly a spoiler!) it left things open for another. One sequel I would look forward to watching.

If Ritchie and co can just trim the length, get a better baddie then we’ll be good to go. BUT this is still worth a watch if you’re in for the mood for a cool spy caper with a great cast.

3/5

*NEW* VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN REVIEW *NEW*

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IT’S A DUD! IT’S A DUD!

Well, that’s what I thought I was going to say.

McAvoy and Radcliffe take on the iconic mad scientist duo to mixed results. BUT with good acting and some decent special effects, it delivered enough fun for me not to care too much.

Told from Igor’s (Daniel Radcliffe) perspective, we see the troubled young assistant’s dark origins, his redemptive friendship with the young medical student Viktor Von Frankenstein (James McAvoy), and become eyewitnesses to the emergence of how Frankenstein became the man (and the legend) we know today.

Look, this sort of movie was never going to win plaudits BUT if it had the right level of ridiculousness and enough monsters then I’d be one happy bunny. The first hour was actually quite entertaining and reworked the origin story quite well.

Apart from needing a good haircut, Radcliffe played the hunchback perfectly. We follow the poor chap as we watch him being beaten and downtrodden by his circus chums. Daniel Mays (The Bank Job) was completely wasted in his role as the lecherous leader Barnaby. Shame. It zipped along and once Frankenstein made the fold, I was pleasantly entertained.

James McAvoy was superb. Producing more saliva than creatures. Seriously, he got a little too passionate with some of the dialogue. BUT as soon as he made his introduction, he stole the show. His mad enthusiasm, the dry witticisms and crazy theorizing was brilliant. He really carried the piece when things seem to drag (Which unfortunately they did).

The special effects and props were disgusting. A scene involving the real reason behind Igor’s “hump” was enough to put anyone off their dinner. The creatures and animal body parts were fantastic. Their first subject; a spliced chimpanzee was devilishly creepy and created a few problems along the way.

There wasn’t as much gore nor as many monsters as I had hoped. The woes of a 12A certificate but the writers certainly pushed the mark where they could. The CGI was generally eye catching. Apart from the scene (Ironically) involving moving eyes which was just terrible.

The bromance between McAvoy and Radcliffe really made the pair shine. I was happy to watch them bicker, banter and squabble as the experiments become more ambitious. BUT of course, they had to throw a spanner in the works. A spanner in the form of Downton Abbey’s Jessica Brown-Findlay.

The dull love subplot between Radcliffe and Brown-Findlay was pretty bland. The pair do their best BUT I wasn’t interested in them and neither was the director it seemed as it was skimmed over very quickly. If anything, it wasn’t needed.

She didn’t really turn Igor against Frankenstein or add any humanity to him. You felt for Igor from the moment you saw him abused by the circus. But then again, it was never going to be that sort of film. BUT it tragically slowed down the pace and I could feel my mind wondering as the lifeless luvvy duvvy stuff played out.

Andrew Scott (Sherlock) delivered a memorable supporting turn as the depressing and macabre Inspector Turpin. A man hell bent on bringing Victor to justice before the world and God. His ramblings did go on a bit BUT his theological sparring with McAvoy spiced things up.

He was definitely more memorable than Freddie Fox’s (The Riot Club) Finnegan. He was too weak and flamboyant to be taken seriously. He certainly personified a spoilt rich kid with more money than sense. BUT a maniacal mastermind? I feared Charles Dance (Game of Thrones) more in his small cameo as Frankenstein’s father.

The slow motion Sherlock Holmes (Downey Jr/Ritchie) style fighting was disorienting and slowed down the action too much. The film lost its momentum after the 60 minute marker BUT finally (and thankfully) found it again at the 90 minute marker for a deliciously dark and violent finale.

If anything, the finale was a little too quick cut and rushed. I’m sure the literary critics will be shaking their heads at this rehashing of a classic BUT it had enough action, creepy creatures and humour to keep things watchable. The effects on the Creature looked so real. He looked like Martin Skrtel on steroids with a few bolts here and there. Any more violent and they could have kissed that 12A rating good bye. Maybe they should have.

Radcliffe and McAvoy were a dream team. The effects were great. They did just enough to wade through the stocky subplots and overlong pace to make it a watchable little creature feature.

3/5 (Just)