THE WORST FILMS OF 2014 – PART TWO

Did you walk out of a film feeling angry, disappointed, baffled, confused?

Did you walk out of a film for that matter?

Did you sit in your car (or at home) reeling? Questioning, debating, pondering how on Earth it even got through the pitching process?

Then, welcome.

I think I’ve already compiled my worst films of 2015 which doesn’t bode well for the year that lies ahead.

BUT let’s (finally) review the worst films of 2014!

My criteria; Basically films that destroyed all excitement and anticipation or failed to deliver anything (Acting, talent, story, suspense, a movie).

Films that made me cry a little, scream with RAGE or just say, “I don’t think I’m going to bother anymore” . . . With the cinema (Woah, let’s not get too down now).

So I’ve already provided PART ONE from 20-11. NOW, it’s finally time for PART TWO with 10 – 1

SCALE: 10 DISAPPOINTED! – 1 WTF!

I’ll stick a few comments with each crappy film title accordingly. Enjoy . . . OR NOT. In fact, you won’t with these 😦

 

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10. WALKING WITH DINOSAURS: THE 3D MOVIE

I know, it’s a kid’s movie. BUT the dino facts were so patronising and stupid that it put me in a rage! I mean, come on! Kids can read. BUT the slow TRI-CER-A-T-OPS pronunciation was infuriating.

Plus they interrupted any interesting development in the dull by the numbers story line. The effects were good BUT the 3D? What 3D?

Not even John Lequizamo’s vocal work could save the day. In fact he annoyed the hell out of me. A talking crow narrating the history of the dinosaurs to a family?

LOGIC?! It just didn’t help the main character grated against me and the story was so predictable and corny that you lost interest.

The purpose of a family movie is to appeal . . . to a family. I don’t even think the little ‘uns would be fussed about watching this one.

Go watch the vastly superior award winning BBC documentary series instead!

 

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9. THE HARRY HILL MOVIE

Harry Hill making a movie? Any good? There’s only one way to find out?

NO! Hill tries to incorporate his TV Burp format to the big screen with a silly premise about taking his ill hamster to Blackpool.

Johnny Vegas does his best to get a chuckle as Abu the hamster. Abu? Wait. Isn’t that the name of another furry sidekick? Hmmm . . .

It was a shame with the talent at Hill’s disposal. Julie Walters, Matt Lucas, Jim Broadbent . . . Will from Inbetweeners.

For every good gag, Hill manages to balance it with a dozen duds.

It’s surreal, stupid and a mess to boot. I felt like I was on something watching it. Maybe I should have to try and understand how Hill thought this would be entertaining.

 

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8. DEVIL’S DUE

Another regurgitated, predictable, lazy, teen horror movie that desperately attempts to reap from the Paranormal Activity hype.

Paranormal Activity was a treat, an actual creepy, tension builder, that recreated and improved what the overrated handy-cam trend setter The Blair Witch Project set out.

A couple go on an exotic Brazilian honeymoon. They get lost. Get drunk. Suspicious taxi driver recommends strange place. Takes them before they can say, “Wait a minute”. And that last drink, oh that inevitable last drink. Instead of passing out on the bathroom floor, poor Sam gets impregnated by a Satanic cult.

The main issue is that the writers and producers either have never seen Rosemary’s Baby and inadvertently delivered a poor modern day rehash of it or they knew what they were doing which is even more tragic.

However, too many movies have popped their ugly heads out from this craze and I pray that this be the last but unfortunately the true horror is that it won’t be. (Just keep scrolling)

 

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7. THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

The . . . last film they should do about Mars. Oh my days. Shambolic. The pain endured watching this space turd was like having a xenomorph burst out of my chest and that still would have been more entertaining than this drivel.

Slow, tension less, shoddily acted, more holes than a sponge. This film should be jettisoned into space. Okay, rant over. Better? Better.

It is such a shame that an underrated cast have the opportunity to shine in a perfect B movie-esque vehicle and miss at every angle.

They could have done a shot for shot remake of Alien and they still would have messed it up.

If it wasn’t for the fact it was funded by the BFI and Irish Film Board, this definitely wouldn’t have made it to the big screen and rightly so. The fact it only featured at my cinema for five days says it all.

Also the film is called Last Days on Mars and yet when we join them, they are 19 hours away from going home so surely THE LAST DAY ON MARS. Couldn’t even get the title right.

 

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6. NATIVITY 3: DUDE WHERE’S MY DONKEY?!

Ho, ho, ho – horrible!

From the moment the first badly mimed, badly choreographed and terribly out of sync flash mob started busting shapes, I knew I was in for it. And that was just from the adults. The kids hadn’t even started yet.

Just because it was Christmas that doesn’t mean you can slap any old thing together and expect people to pay and see it. It was lazy, unfunny and poor. At a push, worth taking the little ‘uns if they are aged up to 5 tops.

I’m sure it was fun for everyone who filmed it. It’s just a shame they couldn’t convey that for everybody else.

I didn’t get me in the Christmas spirit but it certainly got reaching for the ones in my cupboard. Should be Dude, Where’s My Money?

 

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5. TRANSCENDENCE

Transcen-dunce or dense. A mind numbingly drab affair of a concept that has just enough meat to be a generic TV movie you’d expect to see on late night SyFy.

You know you’re onto a loser when the opening five minutes pretty much tells you what to expect and an established cast sleepwalk their lines and fail to make an impression.

It just proves that a little thing called story, along with some others called character, plot and interest still count.

Sleep walking performances, along with a by the numbers story line, relying on the popularity of familiar actors does not a good or profitable movie make.

I hope the memory of viewing this film will transcend, evaporating like the little nano-bots into nothingness. Avoid or upload at your own peril.

 

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4. UNDER THE SKIN

Under the skin? More like grating against my skin. What the hell did I just watch? Now imagine Species. Replace Natasha Henstridge with the even more alluring Scarlett Johansson. Set it in a grittier, murkier Scottish backdrop and bang on, you have . . . something worse than Species.

In fact just watch Species or the even more dire sequels to this drivel.

ScarJo plays a flirty alien that feasts on weak, shallow, lonely Scottish men. How could this be so bad? How can the man who brought us Sexy Beast produce this?

I mean he did do the oddly bizarre Birth. You know Birth? Nicole Kidman and her husband who is reincarnated as a 10 year old? Oh, that Birth, yeah.

 

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3. INTO THE STORM

Where to begin? The insufferable shaky handheld camera work? The cheesy Day After Tomorrow guff that managed to be more vomit inducing than the Day After Tomorrow?

The redneck tornado chasers? Richard Armitage getting his arse sucked off by a twister? Well, it bloody looked like he was.

This just made me want to walk out of the screen. Go to the nearest store that had the Twister DVD. Go back to the projectionist and tell them to put that on instead.

It was cringe-inducing bilge. I have never laughed so much. This was a farce. I have seen B-movies on SyFy that have contained better story lines and characters than this.

 

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2. AS ABOVE SO BELOW

As I watched, the more it blowed. Now childish sulky comments aside. Another found footage “horror” film graces the big screen with cheap scares, poorly acted, badly written characters and a laughable premise.

There is no tension. Random characters get bumped off left, right and centre without any background, interest or concern. Suspense. Naff all.

Loud noises and screams may make me jump out of my seat but what do you expect when the story has put me into a coma, near enough.

Feldman’s character with a dark past who constantly keeps reiterating that he will not go down into the catacombs; inevitably gets pushed down into the cave and what is his big secret?

He’s CLAUSTROPHOBIC! Why didn’t he say that in the first place? Idiot. Oh my God, it felt like something out of a comedy sketch.

 

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1. AND THE AWARD FOR WORST FILM OF 2014 GOES TO . . .

THE PYRAMID

This film should be buried beneath a pyramid.

You know you’re onto a loser when the saving grace is Jay from The Inbetweeners.

What a load of s#@! The demon bared a striking resemblance to those devil dog things from the live action Scooby Doo reboot. The one with Matthew Lillard as Shaggy.

It took half the film before they even got into the flipping thing. The ending was abrupt and predictable after all that endurance with the shoddy, shaky camera work.

Seriously, these found footage films need to STOP. It was too dark to see anything. Half of the time you get an elbow or a nostril. Come on, we’re in the Go Pro age guys!

Mindless exposition about unoriginal premises that have been done to death with lifeless characters that bicker through predictable and unscary scenarios are not acceptable.

 

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*THROWBACK REVIEW* THE PYRAMID

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This film should be buried beneath a pyramid.

A little late on posting this one. BUT for good reasons, I was trying to forget that I’d seen it.

Another bloody horror movie hits the big screen. Another terrible horror movie wastes my time.

A horror film that was shoved in the festive family film season for those not in the mood. This put me in a mood, I can tell you that.

You know you’re onto a loser when the saving grace is Jay from The Inbetweeners.

So what’s it about? A pyramid. Go figure . . . No.

An archaeological team attempts to unlock the secrets of a lost pyramid only to find themselves hunted by an insidious creature.

Where to begin? The opening showed promise. At first glance. An opening and inevitably shaky handheld POV of rioting in Cairo.

I was surprised. A little satire? Finger on the pulse after all that’s been happening with protests and uprisings in the climate?

NOPE. Just a hook. We are soon listening to a bunch of made up and pretentious terminology with a group of airheads chatting about a pyramid.

Waffle that went on far too long. All we needed to know was that there’s a pyramid, dodgy shit’s inside and they’re going in.

Not long winded and boring dialogue that made no sense with a group of characters you couldn’t give two monkeys about. Bar Jay, sorry, whatever his name was in this.

I’ll call him . . . Jay as the frustrated camera man.

Camera man wanker! Stop it!

The waffle cropped up some rubbish about aliens and Aztecs. For a moment, I thought this was going to turn into Indy 5. And believe me, I would have been straight out of the door.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t. IT WAS WORSE!

Dennis O’Hare was surprisingly dull in this monstrosity. I mean considering this was the guy that freaked me out in American Horror Story and was Russell Edgington from True Blood. Could have done with some of that camp vampire gusto to put a little life into his role.

I mean he plays it as well as he could but it was too deadpan. The father/daughter bickering has been done to death and a whole lot better in feebler efforts.

It didn’t help with all that mindless exposition and peeing about with the cameras. Which went on for another 30 minutes.

30 minutes of an 89 minute running time?

Seriously I had more scares from the Mummy trilogy and not just from the acting.

We finally get into the pyramid after all the “It’s cursed” and “Don’t go in there” guff and it still took a while for things to kick off.

And when they did . . . Meh. If it wasn’t for the incredibly loud cinema speaker system, I think I would have fell asleep.

There were two moments that made me jump out of my seat. One conveniently cropped up while I was in mid-movie rant with my little brother. Unexpected and well done.

The claustrophobic moments in the pyramid wasn’t really captured that well. A missed opportunity. Bar one mad dash sequence in which the narrow passageway closed in with sand filling the floor.

However, it all reminded me of another terrible horror movie. The painful Parisian delight that was As Above So Below.

It even had the changing rooms. What? Let me rephrase that. The rooms that kept changing.

And what do our heroes do? Unite and fight. Push on with time NOT on their side?

No. They bicker. Christa Nicola did my nut in. I was praying to the Gods of Anubis to get rid of her. Shrieking and flailing about. Terrible.

James Buckley proved one thing. He has been typecast for life. His witticisms and comical complaining just made me laugh throughout the film.

Something that shouldn’t have worked BUT it certainly kept me drudging through this lifeless bilge.

There were so many comical moments. Unintentional, of course.

A scene in which one of the gang is impaled on a precipice and being nibbled by some demon cat things. Believe me, I’m making it sound better than it was.

No explanation on the devil cats. Cats are gods or something. Don’t know. Don’t care.

So, anyway, said person is being devoured by cats and ol’ Jay is standing filming; “What do I do?”. His moment of heroism. He throws a couple of rocks at them and tells them to “Shoo”.

Nice one, Jay.

We finally get to see the insidious creature. What a load of s#@! It bared a striking resemblance to those devil dog things from the live action Scooby Doo reboot. The one with Matthew Lillard as Shaggy.

Terrible CGI. And with that, all tension and patience went out of the window.

The ending was abrupt and predictable after all that endurance with shaky camera work throughout.

Seriously, these found footage films need to STOP. It was too dark to see anything. Half of the time you get an elbow or a nostril. Come on, we’re in the Go Pro age guys!

I really must emphasize that films like this just need to STOP hogging up valuable screen time!

Mindless exposition about unoriginal premises that have been done to death with lifeless characters that bicker through predictable and unscary scenarios are not acceptable.

This film should be buried far away from sight.

I warn you. At your peril it be. This gets a one from me.

The one scare that got me twitching.

1/5