*NEW* THE HITMAN’S BODYGUARD REVIEW *NEW*

Hit and miss BUT still good fun.

The world’s top bodyguard (Ryan Reynolds) gets a new client, a hit man (Samuel L Jackson) who must testify at the International Court of Justice. They must put their differences aside and work together to make it to the trial on time.

Sometimes with movies like this, you just know what you’re going to get. A silly popcorn flick. It won’t win plaudits for plot and originality BUT if it does the job then what’s the problem?

Reynolds applied his usual quick-witted shtick. I thought I’d be getting fed up of watching him in “Deadpool mode” BUT he still owns it. Even if some of the quips came off a little flat in places.

BUT the main scene stealer was Samuel L (The “L stands for Motherf**ker”) Jackson. Cackling like a mad man and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. He made this movie. If not for him, I don’t think this would have fared as well. Legend.

The supporting cast was disappointing. More so with the characters than the performances.

Did Gary Oldman even realise his character was a parody of himself? He played a cliche of his own evil Russian villain cliche. Yikes. The villain was too weak, even for him. He took the role far too seriously. Shame. I was hoping he could have lapped it up and poked fun at himself. Alas, it was not to be.

We’ve seen this sort of character so many times before and done better . . . By the man himself.

Even the fiery Elektra Natchios (Elodie Yung – Daredevil) was reduced to a schmaltzy scorned ex subplot. Her verbal sparring with Reynolds was corny and dull.

There wasn’t enough Hayek. She was hilarious in the dreadfully small cameo. I would have been happy to have her on the road trip with the two hot heads. BUT then there wouldn’t be any incentive for Jackson’s character.

I’ll never hear Lionel Richie’s ‘Hello’ in the same way again. A flashback to Hayek and Jackson’s love story had me in stitches. Their eyes met across a violent bar brawl. Brilliant.

The inevitable backstabbing and “reveal” of the mole breaching security was mind-numbingly obvious. And the “twist” (or reason) behind Reynold and Jackson’s heated rivalry was predictable to boot.

Thankfully the action sequences made up for the generic story line. The race through Amsterdam was riveting, utterly bonkers BUT entertaining to the max. Seriously, the punch ups were insane; especially Reynolds’ DIY store scuffle with a Goliathan mercenary.

The humour delivered in parts. Some gags overstayed their welcome. Watching Jackson sing-a-long in a bus with nuns? YES! YES! YES!

Listening to him share childish insults with Deadpool and singing over each other? Not so much.

The action sequences were decent, the hokey plot was passable BUT the credit goes to the two leads who made a somewhat TV movie premise a little more than the generic mess it could have been.

I just the pair could have improvised off the cuff a little more. It felt like the 15 certificate rating held them back.

Watchable guff though.

3/5 (Just)

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*NEW* LIFE REVIEW *NEW*

Despite the shoddy pace and wafer thin characters, there was still life in this tense little sci-fi horror.

A team of scientists aboard the International Space Station discover a rapidly evolving life form, that caused extinction on Mars, and now threatens the crew and all life on Earth.

I didn’t expect much from this. The trailers bored me and the extended looks did nothing to win me over. BUT I was a fan of the line up. So was it shame on me?

Jon Ekstrand’s ominous score certainly grabbed my attention. The brooding atmosphere, the simmering tension, the nothingness of space. Seamus McGarvey’s glossy cinematography. Perfect.

It was just a shame that momentum couldn’t stick. The slow burning opening act soon put me into a mini-coma.

The disorienting claustrophobic camera work may have simulated the feeling of floating around in a space station BUT it irritated me. The POV angle of Ryan Reynolds’ Rory intercepting the damaged satellite was a nice touch.

BUT it didn’t help that the characters weren’t that interesting.

Rebecca Ferguson’s (Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation) uptight doc and Jake Gyllenhaal’s (Nocturnal Animals) depressed David were dreadfully dull.

I always felt Hiroyuki Sanada (The Last Samurai) was an underrated supporting actor BUT his character was dire. A perfect opportunity to shine squandered.

And Ryan Reynolds just played the same old spiel again. Adapting the role of the cocky fast talking joker. Boring.

There wasn’t any depth and the bland exchanges between the crew just killed the tension. Especially as they left messages for their loved ones and gave cringe inducing virtual tours of the ship to the “world”. Yuck.

Thankfully by the 25-30 min marker, the film finally hit its stride as the crew discovered life and the answers to the universe in the form of a squid-like jellyfish named “Calvin”.

Ariyon Bakare (Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell) made a memorable impression as Hugh. The delighted doc whose fascination with Earth’s new mascot bordered on obsession.

BUT I could still feel myself getting impatient as the crew carried out tests. However, one botched lab experiment later . . .

All that curiousity and wonder swiftly turned into sheer fear and panic as the crew’s new play thing decides to make a break for it. A bloody trail left in his wake.

The middle act delivered with an unnerving and nail biting thriller as Calvin continued to grow in size and intelligence. A game of cat and mouse set in motion.

“Calvin doesn’t hate us. He has to kill us in order to survive”.

The Alien meets Gravity vibe worked as the killer creature craftily picked the crew off one by one.

The special effects were brilliant. Calvin’s transformation creeped the hell out of me. His squid-like tentacles scuttling around the labyrinthine hallways. A spider toying with his prey. Shudder.

I was worried that the wafer thin character development would make me less interested in the crew’s survival BUT Gyllenhaal and Ferguson’s characters were thankfully fleshed out a little better as the danger ensued (Hell, I even warmed up to Reynolds).

There were genuine moments of suspense and I couldn’t see how it was going to end which made for a tense and thrilling finale.

And by the closing credits, I left the cinema pleasantly surprised.

Just persevere with the pace and you have a solid effort that does just enough to hold its own.

3/5 (Just)

*NEW* LOGAN REVIEW *NEW*

The BEST Wolverine movie?! Well, it didn’t have much to go up against.

He saw it and it was good.

A fitting swansong. It’s just a shame that we finally get the Wolverine spin-off we deserve when Jackman decides to hang up the claws. 17 years? Has it really been 17 years since the first X-Men movie hit the silver screen?

A franchise I grew up with (Well, a movie franchise. I’ll confess the comic books never appealed to me. Sacrilege, I know). In fact, it took me multiple watches to like the first X-Men movie BUT there was always one character that stole the show for me. Any guesses on who that could be?

Hugh Jackman is a fantastic actor but after all the hype and praise, I feared the worst for another botched Wolverine flick. Origins was a drawn out mess (Let’s not forget the Deadpool subplot) and The Wolverine was shambolic. I mean, come on! A metal samurai robot?! Really?

BUT thankfully, third time’s the charm.

In the near future, a weary Logan (Jackman) cares for an ailing Professor X (Patrick Stewart) somewhere on the Mexican border. However, Logan’s attempts to hide from the world and his legacy are upended when a young mutant (Dafne Keen) arrives, pursued by dark forces.

The brutally violent and bloody opener set the tone. This Wolverine had had enough. An embittered man ready to die. Done with the world and the people who live in it.

Mangold and co. really took advantage of that 15 certificate. The carnage was relentless. And let’s not forget the endless F-bombs.

BUT it also established a much more cynical and darker feel to the X-Men movies. A direction that would perfectly suit any upcoming DC movie. If they are lucky to be green lit any more.

Patrick Stewart was superb as Charles Xavier. The man who had all the answers. Lost in his own mind. Heartbreaking. I always loved the fractious relationship between him and Logan.

Never giving up on the soldier who had deemed himself a lost cause.

“I’m a glorified truffle pig” – My favourite line of the film. Mangold penned a cracking script.

I was a little anxious when I saw Stephen Merchant’s name pop up in this super-serious gritty neo-Western but the boy from Bristol did well as the albino mutant tracker Caliban. He delivered a much needed comic relief.

Boyd Holbrook was wasted in his role as the slick toothed Pierce. A gold toothed mercenary with cyber-enhancements. The Narcos star made a memorable introduction BUT he soon whimpered into the background to make way for Richard E Grant’s (incredibly weak) and slimy Dr. Rice.

I loved Mangold’s little nods. A Western to its very core. I loved the Shane movie montage sequence. Contrasting the frail and bloodied Logan to the iconic cowboy as he tried to refuse the call.

One last mission. To save a young mutant girl who was being made into a weapon. Something old Wolfie could relate to.

He soon met his match with Rice’s latest creation. NO SPOILERS HERE.

Dafne Keen didn’t do too bad as Laura. It didn’t really come as too much of a revelation about her abilities. Although comic fans will already know. I just wish the trailers hadn’t spoiled it.

Her incessant screaming and zombie stares did do my nut in at times BUT she worked well with Jackman. They made a good duo especially when they teamed up to dispose of their pursuers. One bloody corpse at a time.

John Mathieson’s cinematography was fantastic to look at. Beautifully captured. The special effects were incredible. Great action set pieces and cracking CGI.

The pace meandered by the 80 minute marker and the middle act did draw things to a slump BUT we were soon rewarded with a no-holds barred visceral action packed gore fest.

The only other niggle was that I was left with questions. The meta-textual references with the X-Men comics was a nice in-joke BUT I wondered what had happened to the rest of X-Men. No passing comments. Nothing. Gutted.

After all the time-altering in Days of Future Past, what changed? I’m trying to be as cryptic as possible without divulging too much story.

Mangold tried to make an accessible solo effort BUT I found he isolated the little things that would have polished it off for me.

BUT that didn’t spoil what was a bloody good watch. There were genuine moments where I actually felt a little tear in the eye for the Professor and his miserable protegee.

It may have taken two dreadful movies BUT we got there in the end and I don’t think any X-Men fans will be disappointed.

BUT I’ll let you be the judges.

3.5/5

*DO NOT WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE CREDITS. There are no teasers or spoilers. Nothing. Just a thank you to the people who made this movie. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME*

*NEW* DEADPOOL REVIEW *NEW*

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Stupid, ridiculous, violent and . . . not bad at all.

I couldn’t think of anybody better than “God’s Perfect Idiot” to take on the iconic role of everybody’s new favourite foul mouthed anti-hero.

How many chances can Ryan Reynolds have bringing a comic book character to the silver screen? Thankfully third time’s the charm.

A fast-talking mercenary with a morbid sense of humor is subjected to a rogue experiment that leaves him with accelerated healing powers and a quest for revenge.

From the mental opening sequence, I knew what I was getting myself into. A lewd, crude, brutal BUT incredibly funny shoot em up.

The way people were raving about Deadpool; you would have thought you’ve never seen Ryan Reynolds shout and scream profanities!

The film swiftly flicked back and forth between Deadpool’s relentless revenge spree to his “unconventional” love story with the feisty hooker Vanessa (Morena Baccharin – Homeland).

I couldn’t resist laughing at Reynold’s quick witted one liners and smart ass insults while he clocked up the body count. This role really was made for him.

To be honest, the film only really lost momentum when it tried to take itself more seriously.

The pace lagging when we got to the origin stuff. Sorry, the NEW origin stuff. 

Apparently we’re supposed to forget about Deadpool’s origin story in X-Men Origins: Wolverine now. Especially during Wade’s experimentation.

Completely breezed over that little question with silly (BUT hilarious) meta-textual references. Reynolds even had a pop at himself with a Green Lantern gag for good measure.

I know we had to see the humble beginnings of this quick witted mad man BUT no matter how many sly digs, gags and 4th Wall breaking, you couldn’t hide the fact that it was the same old cliched story.

As much as Baccarin and Reynolds had great chemistry and the cheesy luvvy duvvy exchanges were replaced with messed up foreplay and a year long bonkathon montage to commemorate their romance, it was still boy meets girl.

“Oh, that’s because it’s Christmas Day Dopinder and I’m looking for someone on my naughty list!”.

I was actually more interested in the naive cabbie Dopinder’s (Karan Soni) subplot. Coaxed into ferrying Pool around on his vengeance-seeking killing spree.

I’ve never really rated Ed Skrein’s acting (The Transporter Refuelled) but he played the maniacal “British villain” Francis quite well. The man that made Deadpool; “A penis with teeth”.

Gina Carano (Haywire)’s delivery may have been colder than Colossus’ steel BUT she nailed the hard ass (and ironically titled) Angel Dust a treat.

T.J. Miller (Silicon Valley) was good as the Comic Relief BUT there wasn’t enough of him. 

The same could be said for Deadpool’s blind crackhead roomie Blind Al (Leslie Uggams).

The pair’s bickering over IKEA furniture while gunning up for battle was hysterical!

“It’s like the studio couldn’t get another X-Men”. I’m not going to lie. I’ve never read the comic books. I wasn’t aware that Deadpool existed in the same universe as the X-Men. 

Shock horror. It was great to see Colossus the metallic bad ass that owned the opening sequence from X-Men: Days of Future Past get a little more screen time.

We were even introduced to a new face; the moody emo-looking Negasonic Teenage Warhead (played brilliantly by Brianna Hildebrand). 

The unlikeliest crime fighting trio I’ve seen so far.

It was funny watching Deadpool ‘refusing the call’ to be an X-Men. Evading capture from Colossus by cutting his own hand off. Ouchie. God knows how he would fit in with that mad bunch?!

The shoot em ups and fighting sequences were brilliantly choreographed and deliciously gory. 

I just wish the deaths were a little more creative. Spelling enemies’ names with bodies, yes! Kicking a guard’s amputated head to disarm another guard, yes!

BUT once you’ve seen ol’ Pool slice and dice through a dozen bodies, it got a little repetitive. 

BUT despite it’s flaws, it was a breath of fresh air to see a film openly rip and poke fun at the endless superhero entries that are relentlessly bombarding the big screen. 

It really was a mad riot with Reynolds on fine form.

If that sounds like your kind of thing, then it won’t disappoint. 

I’m sure I don’t have to say it BUT please persevere through the credits for a little treat. Chicka chika!

3.5/5

*NEW* X-MEN: APOCALYPSE REVIEW *NEW*

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Was another one really necessary? Probably not BUT with Singer at the helm, I knew I was in for a treat.

After the re-emergence of the world’s first mutant, world-destroyer Apocalypse, the X-Men must unite to defeat his extinction level plan.

I loved the X-Men movies (Yes, even The Last Stand. No, really! I’ve seen worse. Trust me). BUT I couldn’t get into X-Men: First Class and felt the Wolverine spin-offs were a massive let down (Although I still have high hopes for Logan!). A shame considering the cast, the characters and Hugh flippin’ Jackman!

Disappointing affairs that there were either too long, too dull or riddled with far too many plot holes and I didn’t even read the comic books.

Thankfully Days of Future Past was a return to form and mixed the old cast with the new perfectly. Singer’s direction being the missing ingredient. I had to laugh at his sly dig about the third movie always being the worst in a “Star Wars” debate. Righting so many wrongs in one action packed package.

So here we are . . . *WARNING POSSIBLE SPOILERS!* After the bombshell that was delivered at the finale of Days of Future Past, I really wanted to see the next installment. BUT one that followed on. NOT going back into the past again! I was a little disappointed BUT it was still a highly watchable and enjoyable effort.

The idea of mutants existing through history and NOT just from experimentation was a different angle.

The opening felt like something out of The Mummy (The Stephen Sommers saga) with all the crazy golden swag everywhere and demented ritual stuff. BUT it got things going and set up the chrome-esque Humpty Dumpty looking and (poorly named) Apocalypse quite well.

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Looks a bit like Ivan Ooze.

Despite all that make up and silly voice tampering, Oscar Isaac (Ex Machina) was still a convincing super-villain (Even if he spent the majority of the film monologuing). A god hell bent on bringing the Second Coming with the help of his chosen Horsemen.

Writer Simon Kinberg and Singer explored the origins of the old favourites quite well. Tye Sheridan (Scouts’ Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse) was very good as a young Scott Summers/Cyclops. Sophie “Game of Thrones” Turner was excellent as Jean Grey. Her accent was impeccable.

There wasn’t enough of Kodi Smit-McPhee’s (Let Me In) Nightcrawler. He captured Alan Cummings’ mannerisms perfectly and stole every scene. Alexandra Shipp’s Storm was tragically lost in the mix far too much. A bit like her older counterpart in Future Past. Shame.

It was intriguing to see Fassbender’s Magneto portrayed as the tormented anti-hero. Doomed to never have a normal life after trying to start a family in Poland. The only problem was that despite giving an extra depth to the maniacal metal man, it left him skulking around for the rest of the film. Gutted.

I loved the transformation of Mystique’s character. To change from a morphing femme fatale to a conflicted symbol for the mutants’ fight for survival. BUT then again what did you expect when you have Jennifer Lawrence taking on the role?!

The only problem was that it felt like a retread from FP with Raven refusing to take the call. Even though you knew the inevitable outcome.

BUT where Singer and Kinberg explored old faces, they tried to bring in new ones which didn’t quite work. Ben Hardy’s Angel and the beautiful Olivia Munn’s Psylocke were a waste of time. Even Sabre Tooth and Toad made more memorable minions.

However, there was one face I was happy to see return and that was Evan Peters’ (American Horror Story) Quicksilver. He stole the show in Future Past and did it yet again. Featuring in one of the best animated sequences I’ve seen in a long time.

You thought the prison breakout was impressive in FP, you ain’t seen nothing yet. The detail. The effects! Fantastic. It may have taken months to shoot BUT it was worth every frame. And all perfectly timed to the rhythmic beat of Eurthymics’ Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This).

It was entertaining as hell as Quicksilver kung fu kicked doors and moon walked across fiery hallways while his clueless comrades stood frozen in time; oblivious of their impending doom.

I was a little annoyed with the influx of new faces that didn’t get enough back story to make a proper introduction. Scott’s brother Alex or Havok (Lucas Till) was hyped up as such a crucial character BUT it was his first appearance in the franchise. An unnecessary addition by the time the credits rolled.

The pace did test in the final third and the finale, despite the amazing visuals, felt like a retread of FP and First Class with Magneto sulking and wanting to end the world (Again). Yawn.

It might help to have watched the other entries to appreciate all the little nods. Especially First Class because I had completely forgotten about Rose Byrne’s character and her silly little love subplot with Professor X. Thankfully Singer and co. did a quick recap to jog the memories of those who aren’t up to speed on their X-Men history.

BUT there was still enough fun and action to keep me entertained. The only problem by trying to fill in the gaps and explore new territory, Singer unwittingly put more cracks in the time frame from the original efforts. There was a revelation surrounding one character that came out so half arsed that I wondered why they even bothered in the first place?!

Despite my gripes, Apocalypse still fitted perfectly as a precursor to the first X-Men movie (That’s the 2000 release for those who want to be pedantic with the crazy time frame) and wasn’t quite the wash out that people had me believe.

The cast were great, the effects and set pieces were breathtaking and I still had fun after 16 years and 7 films (Does The Wolverine count? Okay, 8. What about Deadpool? Steady on).

3.5/5