Two stars for the toonsters.
When a diabolical pirate (Antonio Banderas) above the sea steals the secret Krabby Patty formula, SpongeBob and his nemesis Plankton must team up in order to get it back.
Yeah, I know. How old are you?! Grow up! After watching this shambolic sequel, I think I will.
I loved Spongebob Squarepants when it first came out in 1999 (That’s right, 19 years ago!). It was random, funny and utterly bonkers. I saw the movie when I was 15.
I always loved the hidden innuendos and stupid gags and still watch the film every once in a while. Hell, I still quote it to my work colleagues (All surprisingly secret SS fans. Wait, hang on. Best not make that reference).
When I heard a sequel was in the pipeline, the silly teen nerd in me giggled like our spongey hero BUT once the opening sequence began with Banderas prancing around Sinbad style (with the mad energy that voiced the feisty feline Puss in Boots), I knew I was in deep trouble.
This really was one for the little ‘uns. The innuendos GONE. The humour silly and stupid. Banderas did his best BUT he was annoying. Narrating the dull and lifeless plot to the best of his ability. BUT thankfully he was nowhere near as irritating as the poorly CGI’d seagulls.
Normally I’m a fan of Alan Carr BUT his voice grated against me as the lead seagull. Apparently we couldn’t get anybody better to voice the rest of the lot. Or they read the script and scarpered. Instead we had YouTube sensations (Apparently) Joe Suggs/Thatcher Joe, Caspar Lee and X Factor/TV presenter Stacey Solomon. Greeeatttttt.
We had to endure the same old guff as Plankton makes his umpteenth attempt on stealing the Krabby Patty formula. However, this time the formula is successfully stolen.
BUT NOT by the minuscule megalomaniac. With the town going crazy and looking for someone to flog, SpongeBob helps Plankton prove his innocence. Leading to a dreadfully mediocre movie.
The pace took too long to get going. The time travel machine subplot was an extended gag sequence that delivered more misses than hits. SpongeBob and Plankton’s partnership should have been better than it was and left us Patrick-lite. The songs didn’t help either. The bland Pharrell Williams backing track and that T-E-A-M song was just plain cringe.
At least the first one had Goofie Gober Rock (I’m a Goofie Gober . . . ROCK!)
The post-apocalyptic Mad Max future sequence was a good touch; “Welcome to the apocalypse, Squidward. I hope you like leather”.
Some of the old gags worked. BUT the underwhelming supporting cast didn’t help lift things. With the original movie, we had Jeffrey Tambor (Arrested Development), Scarlett Johansson (Avengers), Alec Baldwin (BT adverts. I’m kidding!). Hell, it even had the Hoff!
The whole thing was just so ridiculously far-fetched. Out of desperation if anything else! I know. How can you say far-fetched? It’s a talking sponge causing havoc underwater. The film had David Hasselhoff acting as a Knight Rider speed boat hybrid that jettisoned our dim-witted duo back to Bikini Bottom with his chest (Told you I watched it!)
Instead we had Matt Berry (The IT Crowd) delivering his vocal gravitas to an interstellar galaxy protecting dolphin overlord. You read that, right?
Shooting lasers out of his blowhole! Donning a cape and floating in the air with toilet roll hanging off his dorsal fin. I really thought I was trippin’ on acid after that rather odd segment.
I wanted more of Karen (Jill Talley). Plankton’s computer wife. She was funny. “My hero. You obviously want something or else you wouldn’t be freeing me”.
The lack of double entendres was extremely disappointing BUT the silly puns had their moments: “You’ll be safe in this . . . safe”, “Is he an enemy or plankton?” BUT it just wasn’t enough. There were laughs to be had in the mental finale with our loveable gang bulked up to the max with superpowers BUT it was a case of too little, too late.
I was ready to leave the screen before the singing seagulls and Antonio Banderas could destroy the theme song. And the auto-tuning cameo from Berry was bloody dreadful.
Yeah . . .
This was definitely for the sprogs. I felt like a sponge out of water watching this.
2/5
The MAD MOVIE RANTER 
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