STAR TREK BEYOND 3D REVIEW

Star Trek be-yawwwnnneed.

The USS Enterprise crew explores the furthest reaches of uncharted space, where they encounter a new ruthless enemy (Ol’ Luther – I mean, Idris Elba) who puts them and everything the Federation stands for to the test.

I’m NOT the biggest Trekkie BUT I have really enjoyed the Abram reboots. Shaking up the cast, reworking the old story lines and tweaking the dynamic.

A breath of fresh air among the barrage of reboots, remakes and endless (and unnecessary) sequels. BUT it was always going to be a tough act to follow Into Darkness.

A new outing that didn’t rely on past plots. My confidence was restored when I discovered that Beyond was penned by an avid Trekkie (Simon ‘Shaun of the Dead’ Pegg!). A man who relished the dream role of playing Montgomery ‘Scotty’ Scott made famous by James Doohan.

BUT this time around, I felt this lacklustre sequel only just delivered a watchable actioner. From the director of Fast and Furious, I knew I could expect big explosions AND good set pieces.

BUT it was a case of either being too fast and furious with the action or drawn out and repetitious with barely any exploration of the characters. Even the laughs were few and far between.

The opening act didn’t really give me much hope with the crew acting as intermediaries between some silly CGI dog things. Yikes. It seemed to go through the motions with Pine’s Kirk going through yet another existential crisis as he questioned his purpose on the Enterprise.

Quinto’s Spock received some grave news which made the normally unfeeling extraterrestrial contemplate life and death. I just wished it wasn’t so tedious and uninteresting.

That’s NOT to say there weren’t moments to be had. The special effects were impressive. BUT that was only when you could actually see the set pieces. There were several scenes where I actually struggled to see a majority of the action.

I could see the Phaser rays blasting through the darkness BUT only just gather that it was Kirk and Chekhov sliding down a spaceship hanging off a cliff. Ridiculous.

The 3D was a waste of time. It didn’t bring anything to the experience. When the Enterprise was attacked by Krall’s death ships, it was a sight to behold BUT after 15 minutes of explosions and carnage, I found myself fidgeting.

I liked the dynamic between Spock and Bones as the pair were reluctantly put together. Karl Urban (Dredd) was the main scene stealer and kept things light when the pace drudged along.

Once Big Ears got over his nihilistic sulk, he was back on fine form. The banter between the duo was a much needed tonic; “You gave your girlfriend radioactive jewellery”.

The rest of the crew was a mixed bag. The late Anton Yelchin had quite a big involvement in the mix as he aided Kirk in the battle against Krall’s goons. His presence will be missed. Although rumours suggest that Abrams may try and do what they did with Walker in the Fast and Furious franchise.

Pegg’s muddled Scot accent really grated against me. And I was disappointed that his little green pal Wee Man (“Get down from there!”) was left on the sidelines.

There wasn’t any depth to the characters. Bar Dr Zulu’s sexuality. Hardly a revelation and thrown in without any exploration. Shame.

There might have even been a bad continuity error with the length of their journey to the age of Zulu’s child (For those who watched it – Did you notice this?).

Saldana’s Uhura was reduced to being Krall’s prisoner for the majority of the movie. If anything, her absence wasn’t missed. Disappointing, to say the least.

Sofia Boutella (Kingsman: The Secret Service) was the best character in the piece as the feisty Jayla. I wanted to know about her origins and why she was the only alien to evade Krall’s capture.

However it wasn’t long before she was pushed into the background for more mindless exposition. Only to be brought back for the frantic finale.

More could have made out of her. A missed opportunity.

Idris Elba did his best with the creepy Krall. The make up was brilliant. He really looked the part BUT Luther’s lines and delivery made him too comical for my liking. You try listening to him with that silly voice pronouncing Captain Kirk. Good lord.

He couldn’t match Cumberbatch’s tenacity or Bana’s bad-assery and was quite a tame villain by comparison. A twist about Krall could have been so much more BUT by the end, I couldn’t care less.

Captain’s Log; Beyond was a bit of a misfire for me. It tried to deliver a bit of everything and failed on all fronts.

A watchable effort that killed the time BUT I think Scotty better beam up a better script for the next endeavour.

2.5/5

*NEW* xXx: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE REVIEW *NEW*

He should have stayed dead.

Left for dead, Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) secretly returns to action for a new, tough assignment with his handler Augustus Gibbons (Samuel L Jackson).

Let’s be honest. You should know what to expect with Vin Diesel. I actually enjoyed the first xXx. It had the right balance of action, fun and stupidity perfectly crammed into 90 adrenaline-fuelled minutes.

But this latest offering was just ridiculous. And not in a good way.

The opening sequence didn’t give me high hopes. Had the writers even seen xXx? NOT even Samuel L Jackson could save the day. He delivered his usual shtick BUT he seemed to forget the character he was supposed to be playing.

I always remembered Augustus Gibbons as a real hardass. His “Have you ever watched lions in the zoo?” speech left goosebumps.

His fractious relationship with the deluded Cage was the movie’s unique selling point. BUT why did they turn him into this?

 

His scar mysteriously gone. Some stupid Harry Potter glasses and a cringe-inducing cameo with the Barcelona attacking midfielder Neymar Jr.

Really?

Neymar Jr looked genuinely confused as if he had stumbled on the set by mistake.

That was only the tip of the iceberg.

Toni Collette (Little Miss Sunshine) did her best as Cage’s new handler Jane Marke BUT her pale complexion and stern demeanour did nothing to spark any life into this incredibly droll plot line.

Donnie Yen wasn’t in this enough. The force was not with him on this one. Thank God he delivered a scene stealing supporting turn in another sequel. He smiled and shrugged away as he threw one horribly CGI’d kick after another.

NOT even the enchanting Deepika Padukone could save the day. By 20 minutes, I was ready to switch off.

However, once the main man appeared. My grumbling subdued. Diesel did his thing. Leaping off 50 foot TV antennas and skateboarding off cars. Enjoying sun, sea and sex in a beautiful exotic location.

I have to admit this was the liveliest acting I’ve seen from the guy. Less gristle and mumble. It was just a shame that the banter and one liners just didn’t work.

Lapping up a rapper’s paradise with a ridiculous fluffy coat and dozens of ladies. James Bond on Red bull and adrenaline in a nutshell.

And they still managed to make that boring?

Nina Dobrev (The Vampire Diaries) was incredibly annoying as the uber keen computer nerd Becky Clearidge. Ogling over Cage and chatting utter nonsense. Dreadful.

I couldn’t believe how surprisingly slow and drawn out this film felt. It didn’t help that the rag tag team of kn*bheads that Cage recruited were irritating.

The silly credits popping up with each member’s special party trick and unofficial Guinness world record attempts for achieving something completely stupid did not help.

The Wolf from Game of Thrones?! Oh how the mighty have fallen? A retarded conspiracy nut obsessed with Lockerbie? Really? Ruby Rose played on her bisexual vibe again. Seriously? Is that all she has?

Kris Wu’s character was woeful. His only ability appeared to be hijacking DJ booths and delivering “bangers” as a distraction. Yikes.

Vin Diesel was having fun and not giving a damn. BUT it felt like he gave his best in the wrong movie with the wrong character. Unintentionally comical and cringe-inducing.

By the hour marker, I conceded and accepted the stupidity. Some of the action sequences were actually quite watchable.

Rolling grenades while taking vodka shots? No. Motorcycle chases through a jungle rave? Surprisingly entertaining. Even if Cage was smacking opponents around with wheelie kicks.

That was until the bikes were miraculously equipped with water sleds to continue the pursuit across the river.

If you’re smiling at those quips then this film might be for you.

The plot line was weak. Some mumbo jumbo about a Pandora’s box that can pull satellites out of the sky. Didn’t make sense. Didn’t care by the end. Got even worse when numerous xXX operatives crashed the party.

I actually didn’t mind xXx 2 but this effort made that look like something groundbreaking. And was there a noticeable cameo? Maybe.

The closing act was bearable as Cage and co. raced across gridlocked traffic to save the world. The mad highway punch up was a riot. Dancing around CGI’d cars and jumping across trucks. My God.

The laughable banter got better. If anything, it would have worked better if it was just Yen and Diesel. Rose and Padukone looked like bad asses and had their moment in the fiery finale BUT it wasn’t enough.

I think if wasn’t so bad, I probably would have switched off BUT I had to see how far the madness went. I can’t say I enjoyed it BUT it got more watchable as you accepted what it was.

A mindless actioner that offered little BUT stupid moments.

I think it’s safe to say that franchise will be like its protagonist. Lost in the wilderness. Hopefully.

2/5

*NEW* KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD REVIEW *NEW*

I don’t know what was worse; David Beckham’s cameo or the movie altogether.

Thy verdict is in and its all apples and pears, san.

Robbed of his birthright, Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) comes up the hard way in the back alleys of the city. But once he pulls the sword from the stone, he is forced to acknowledge his true legacy – whether he likes it or not.

The opening 20 minutes was better than I thought with Eric Bana (Troy) bossin’ it as Uther Pendragon. The murky Sherlock Holmes style backdrop may have put a dampener on things but there was action, sword fights and creatures with enough cheese to keep things entertaining.

Ritchie regular Jude Law did his best as the slimy Vortigern. BUT he spent the majority of the film sulking, pouting and pulling faces. His dialogue was bland bar one exchange with a tortured prisoner that delivered an unexpected ear gag.

What annoyed me the most was that Ritchie and co skimmed through the origin build up. Flash forwarding Arthur’s upbringing in a brothel in a quick montage with Charlie Hunnam screaming and pounding on his well toned abs.

I wouldn’t have minded the build up as we might have had better connections with Arthur’s band of cockney geezers. I might have actually cared about them.

By the 30 minute marker, it felt like Ritchie had copped out and tried to work his Lock, Stock magic on the thing. An interrogation sequence with the King’s Guard tried to deliver that quick witted humour BUT it just didn’t work.

“Which Mick? Flat Nose Mick, East End Mick or Chinese Mick?” Really? Taking the mick, more like. I preferred the darker Game of Thrones undertone.

I know this wasn’t going to win plaudits for groundbreaking cinema. It was a blockbuster retelling the legend of Arthur BUT it was a bit of a hot mess.

Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy) just about pulled off the charm offensive as Arthur BUT he came off as such a cocky tool.

I could understand his initial behaviour (at first) BUT he didn’t get any better and grew considerably more childish as the agonizing pace fumbled along.

The tone was was all over the gaff. Silly and laughable one second and relentlessly dark and brooding, the next. Failing to work on any level.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There were chunks that were highly watchable and there was fun to be had . . . in places. I loved the street chase sequence with the Rock ‘n’ Rolla style handicam perspective.

Some of the exchanges delivered the odd quip and drew a smile. BUT not as much as Golden Balls’ squeaky Sarge. His voice and laughable dialogue did nothing for him. Eric Cantona may have been bitten by the acting bug. BUT not everyone can make that transition. Sorry, Becks.

The female roles were terrible. I don’t know who Katie McGrath (Jurassic World) has upset in Hollywood BUT she always plays characters that never last. Annabelle Wallis (Peaky Blinkers) was weak. Anyone could have played her. If they needed her character altogether.

Astrid Berges-Frisby (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) was dreadful as The Mage. Her deadpan delivery and pasty faced complexion did nothing for the role. There was zero chemistry between her and Hunnam. The “friendly” banter was so awkward to watch. I was screaming for Merlin.

It didn’t help that the story (for all its “re-working”) went through the motions. The majority of the supporting cast were highly unmemorable.

NOT even Game of Thrones’ Little Finger (Aiden Gillen) could save the day. Utopia’s Neil Maskell was the only “knight” who made an impression.

The film picked up by the 75th minute marker and delivered an entertaining 30 minutes BUT I could still feel my eyes wandering to my phone as we waited for the (rushed) finale.

The mixed special effects delivered impressive visuals and disorienting mayhem. Especially when Arthur finally got to use Excalibur in all its horrifically CGI ‘d glory. Blasting knights left, right and centre in a horrendously dusky haze of carnage.

Arthur and Vortigen’s fight was disappointing after all the build up and endless dreams/flashbacks revisiting Arthur’s past.

Frustrating doesn’t come close. Ritchie kept skimming through the good bits and leaving us with the chaff. The Dark Island training montage had giant creatures; bats, snakes and god knows what else. Felt like an excerpt from a different movie. Why couldn’t we have more of that?

Watchable guff BUT nothing to shout home about. I actually preferred the Clive Owen re-working instead.

2.5/5

*NEW* ALIEN: COVENANT REVIEW *NEW*

Even in space, no one should see this dreadful Alien prequel.

The crew of a colony ship, bound for a remote planet, discover an uncharted paradise with a threat beyond their imagination, and must attempt a harrowing escape.

Sound familiar? It should.

For the love of God, Ridley Scott. Just stop.

I can respect the man and the writers for trying to expand the Alien universe and explore the mythology behind the xenomorphs but if this is the answer, then I think some mysteries were better left unsolved.

They should have learned from Prometheus. But for all its imperfections, I preferred that to this meandering mess.

For all its beauty, brooding score and captivating cinematography; beneath the surface there was little to be desired.

Scott still can’t get over Cameron perfecting a classic. Alien set the bar high. No one knew how iconic that film would become. Without that slow burning sci-if thriller, there wouldn’t be the monster franchise that followed.

Aliens (for me) took things up a notch and actually delivered some character development and progression for the iconic sci-fi heroine Ellen Ripley.

I had to try and remember what happened in Prometheus (Watch out, spoilers): wasn’t David just a head? What happened to the girl with the dragon tattoo?

I was baffled when Fassbender returned as another android called Walter.

Thankfully, it wasn’t too important (Plus we got a quick recap). BUT it kept me watching as I tried to make head or tail of this “new” story line.

The fiery opener certainly piqued my interest with an incredibly unexpected gratuitous cameo. No kidding.

BUT after 30 minutes of Scott panning from one lavish set design to another. Picturesque frame by picturesque frame. I thought to myself: “When is this going to pick up?!”

Scott and co tried to make amends for Prometheus by creating more mystery and questions BUT it just didn’t work.

What’s the title of the film? What is it about? Where are the frickin’ aliens?!

Patience. The slow burning tension and existential debates boring me into a mini-coma.

We had Prometheus for all that. Give us something different. If anything, the questions Covenant tried to answer only made bigger plot holes that undermined the whole thing.

Especially on the origin of the aliens altogether. BUT by the end, I didn’t care.

The special effects on the aliens were excellent and creepy as hell.

That was until they attacked. The stop motion movements and overindulging CGI was disorienting to look at. The scuttling and wrestling looked so fake. Like something out of a dated Harryhausen flick. Sheesh.

The talented supporting cast were highly unmemorable cannon fodder.

Katherine Waterston (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them) spent so much of the film moping and brooding.

By the time, she finally woke up; her character was nothing more than Ripley 2.0 (Yes, I know this is a prequel so she would actually be Ripley 1.0 BUT I digress).

She didn’t deliver a bad turn BUT the film was always going against her.

Danny “Kenny ducking Powers” McBride should have nailed the space trucker role BUT was heavily underused. Billy Crudup’s protagonist was so weak that I was screaming for a face hugger to dispose of him. Waste of an actor.

Speaking of wasted actors, Guy Pearce had the easiest job going. A completely needless role. Woeful.

I think there was only one reason why Prometheus got a follow up. And that was down to one man’s performance.

Michael Fassbender stole the show yet again. BUT despite a stellar turn, I found his efforts failing to reprieve this mind-numbing disaster.

It wasn’t all bad. It was watchable. Just very disappointing.

When Scott delivered the tension, I could feel myself wincing in dreaded anticipation. He delivered a demented introduction from the aliens with a gory entrance I didn’t see coming. Yikes.

I still flinched and cringed (as did the audience) as we all knew where it was going when one crew member stumbled across a dormant egg.

The different alien hybrids were a nice touch and looked brilliant. BUT they didn’t go anywhere. A quick gory death to make up for mindless chat and “Do androids dream of electric sheep? mumbo jumbo from Fassbender wasn’t enough.

It went through the motions, relying on old formulas and retreading old ground that had been done before and much better. By Scott (ironically).

The actual alien screen time probably tallied up to 15/20 minutes. Out of a 2 hour movie? Come on!

The finale was dull, uninspired and a retread of Aliens with a much weaker and predictable twist. It built things up. Only to let me down.

I really hope there won’t be another. To think this prequel trilogy stemmed from a few Alien fans asking about the giant space jockey found on the Derelict (Yeah, I’m a fan. Could you tell?). I wish they hadn’t.

A movie of mere moments. Some finger biting tension here. One jumpy bit there. Some gory and inventive deaths does not a good movie make.

Would I rush to watch it again? (Maybe reassess and see if I missed anything the first time round?) In a nutshell, NO.

Give me Alien, Aliens and hell even Alien 3 any day. But this?

Let this stop.

It needs to end.

2.5/5

*NEW* SWISS ARMY MAN REVIEW *NEW*

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What the hell did I just watch?

A hopeless man (Paul Dano) stranded on a deserted island befriends a dead body and together they go on a surreal journey to get home.

Now imagine if Tom Hanks in Cast Away decided to interact with a farting corpse instead of a volleyball and . . . you still wouldn’t come close to anything that comes out of this strange but bizarrely watchable piece.

Brought to you by the guys that produced that Lil Jon ‘Turn Down for What?’ music video?! Really?! I think it’s fair to say that this isn’t going to be everybody’s cup of tea. What drove Daniel Radcliffe to do this? He really wants to shake off that Harry Potter image.

The film that triggered walkouts at the Sundance Festival? Well, that can only mean one thing. Let’s give it a watch.

The dark opening lulled me into thinking that this might be a different movie altogether with a defeated Hank (Dano – There Will Be Blood) getting ready to hang himself. Tired, frustrated and alone. The numerous and increasingly elaborate ‘message’ bottles (or boats in this case) highlighting the time our hero has endured on the desolate sand patch.

And then along came Manny (Daniel Radcliffe). Within 10 minutes I wasn’t sure if I wanted to carry on. Especially when the lead protagonist was riding the corpse like a farting jet ski across the ocean. No joke.

However once I got past the endless fart gags and puerile humour, there was a quirky charm that kept me watching. I don’t think it would have worked at all if it wasn’t for Dano and Radcliffe. They were an entertaining pair and for a moment, I almost bought into the madness of it all.

You could empathize with Hank’s vulnerable loner as he confides in the corpse about his own personal problems. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying that Radcliffe/Manny does talk. I was getting worried after 20-odd minutes that Dano was just going to be talking to a demented Radcliffe pulling some serious stroke face for 90 minutes.

The make up was actually pretty good on Radcliffe. He played a corpse well. Yeah, I can’t believe I wrote that either. His movements and facial expressions were pretty bang on.

There were genuine moments where I laughed at the pair as they tackled through the tough terrain of the wilderness to get home. Hank’s crazy creations were brilliant. It teased a little Wes Anderson vibe with all the strange gizmos and props that he made out of wreckage, rubbish and trees.

A particular highlight being a staged bus scene in which Hank simulates his chance encounter with the girl of his dreams (Mary Elizabeth Winstead – 10 Cloverfield Lane).  The only problem is that the joke kind of pushed it when the pair pretended to practice a date with Hank dressing up as her. Things getting ever more uncomfortable when they started holding hands. Eurgh.

The two Dans (writer/directors Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert) subtlety tackled some existential issues (“What is life?”) in between the farts and sex talk as Hank has to re-educate the naive and inquisitive Manny about the ways of the world.

In one scene, it was funny and clever with the journey being a metaphor for Hank overcoming his own fears and doubts and opening up about his troubled childhood. BUT then that would be completely undermined in the next sequence with something stupid and juvenile.

Cue the college humour with the pair discussing masturbation (that carried heavy Freudian undertones) and the discovery of a picture of a bikini model and Manny fighting to control the rigor mortis in his boner. Yup.

“I think your penis is guiding us home. It’s pointing north”. Make of that what you will.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the ingenious ways in which Hank would discover a new use for Manny from dispensing fresh rain water from his gut to shooting out objects like bullets to help hunt down prey. Using his arms to chop wood and his teeth to shave. NO! I’m not making this up!

It was utterly bonkers. Different, original BUT at the same stroke, weird and all over the place. The pace dragged in parts and the finale brought things to a head that left far too many questions.

And the crazy soundtrack by Andy Hull and Robert McDowell?! Was it a joke or master stroke? (Didn’t mean to rhyme). One thing can be agreed, I’ll never listen to the Jurassic Park theme in the same way again.

Winstead was completely wasted in her role. Anyone could have played her. Although her reaction in the closing moments did pretty much sum up my own feelings:

A mixed bag. I mean it got points for thinking outside of the box and its odd style was hypnotic enough to keep me watching. BUT by the end, I wasn’t sure whether I liked it or not. I still don’t know.

If that sounds intriguing to you, then go for it. IF NOT, swiftly move on.

3/5 (Just)

*NEW* X-MEN: APOCALYPSE REVIEW *NEW*

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Was another one really necessary? Probably not BUT with Singer at the helm, I knew I was in for a treat.

After the re-emergence of the world’s first mutant, world-destroyer Apocalypse, the X-Men must unite to defeat his extinction level plan.

I loved the X-Men movies (Yes, even The Last Stand. No, really! I’ve seen worse. Trust me). BUT I couldn’t get into X-Men: First Class and felt the Wolverine spin-offs were a massive let down (Although I still have high hopes for Logan!). A shame considering the cast, the characters and Hugh flippin’ Jackman!

Disappointing affairs that there were either too long, too dull or riddled with far too many plot holes and I didn’t even read the comic books.

Thankfully Days of Future Past was a return to form and mixed the old cast with the new perfectly. Singer’s direction being the missing ingredient. I had to laugh at his sly dig about the third movie always being the worst in a “Star Wars” debate. Righting so many wrongs in one action packed package.

So here we are . . . *WARNING POSSIBLE SPOILERS!* After the bombshell that was delivered at the finale of Days of Future Past, I really wanted to see the next installment. BUT one that followed on. NOT going back into the past again! I was a little disappointed BUT it was still a highly watchable and enjoyable effort.

The idea of mutants existing through history and NOT just from experimentation was a different angle.

The opening felt like something out of The Mummy (The Stephen Sommers saga) with all the crazy golden swag everywhere and demented ritual stuff. BUT it got things going and set up the chrome-esque Humpty Dumpty looking and (poorly named) Apocalypse quite well.

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Looks a bit like Ivan Ooze.

Despite all that make up and silly voice tampering, Oscar Isaac (Ex Machina) was still a convincing super-villain (Even if he spent the majority of the film monologuing). A god hell bent on bringing the Second Coming with the help of his chosen Horsemen.

Writer Simon Kinberg and Singer explored the origins of the old favourites quite well. Tye Sheridan (Scouts’ Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse) was very good as a young Scott Summers/Cyclops. Sophie “Game of Thrones” Turner was excellent as Jean Grey. Her accent was impeccable.

There wasn’t enough of Kodi Smit-McPhee’s (Let Me In) Nightcrawler. He captured Alan Cummings’ mannerisms perfectly and stole every scene. Alexandra Shipp’s Storm was tragically lost in the mix far too much. A bit like her older counterpart in Future Past. Shame.

It was intriguing to see Fassbender’s Magneto portrayed as the tormented anti-hero. Doomed to never have a normal life after trying to start a family in Poland. The only problem was that despite giving an extra depth to the maniacal metal man, it left him skulking around for the rest of the film. Gutted.

I loved the transformation of Mystique’s character. To change from a morphing femme fatale to a conflicted symbol for the mutants’ fight for survival. BUT then again what did you expect when you have Jennifer Lawrence taking on the role?!

The only problem was that it felt like a retread from FP with Raven refusing to take the call. Even though you knew the inevitable outcome.

BUT where Singer and Kinberg explored old faces, they tried to bring in new ones which didn’t quite work. Ben Hardy’s Angel and the beautiful Olivia Munn’s Psylocke were a waste of time. Even Sabre Tooth and Toad made more memorable minions.

However, there was one face I was happy to see return and that was Evan Peters’ (American Horror Story) Quicksilver. He stole the show in Future Past and did it yet again. Featuring in one of the best animated sequences I’ve seen in a long time.

You thought the prison breakout was impressive in FP, you ain’t seen nothing yet. The detail. The effects! Fantastic. It may have taken months to shoot BUT it was worth every frame. And all perfectly timed to the rhythmic beat of Eurthymics’ Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This).

It was entertaining as hell as Quicksilver kung fu kicked doors and moon walked across fiery hallways while his clueless comrades stood frozen in time; oblivious of their impending doom.

I was a little annoyed with the influx of new faces that didn’t get enough back story to make a proper introduction. Scott’s brother Alex or Havok (Lucas Till) was hyped up as such a crucial character BUT it was his first appearance in the franchise. An unnecessary addition by the time the credits rolled.

The pace did test in the final third and the finale, despite the amazing visuals, felt like a retread of FP and First Class with Magneto sulking and wanting to end the world (Again). Yawn.

It might help to have watched the other entries to appreciate all the little nods. Especially First Class because I had completely forgotten about Rose Byrne’s character and her silly little love subplot with Professor X. Thankfully Singer and co. did a quick recap to jog the memories of those who aren’t up to speed on their X-Men history.

BUT there was still enough fun and action to keep me entertained. The only problem by trying to fill in the gaps and explore new territory, Singer unwittingly put more cracks in the time frame from the original efforts. There was a revelation surrounding one character that came out so half arsed that I wondered why they even bothered in the first place?!

Despite my gripes, Apocalypse still fitted perfectly as a precursor to the first X-Men movie (That’s the 2000 release for those who want to be pedantic with the crazy time frame) and wasn’t quite the wash out that people had me believe.

The cast were great, the effects and set pieces were breathtaking and I still had fun after 16 years and 7 films (Does The Wolverine count? Okay, 8. What about Deadpool? Steady on).

3.5/5

*NEW* BAD NEIGHBOURS 2: SORORITY RISING REVIEW *NEW*

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“We’ve been Cosby’d!”

Bad. Just bad!

When their new next-door neighbours turn out to be a sorority even more debaucherous than the fraternity previously living there, Mac (Seth Rogen) and Kelly (Rose Byrne) team up with their former enemy, Teddy (Zac Efron) to bring the girls down.

Pretty much the exact same thing (just with a sorority) BUT a lot less funnier! Yikes.

I was surprised that a sequel was even green lit in the first place?! The first outing was watchable (At best) and delivered the odd laugh BUT it wasn’t that great.

As you could tell, I was a little skeptical before watching and the opening 20 minutes was actually quite funny and, for a moment, I wondered why people had torn into this? It was never going to win plaudits BUT it was silly college humour with all the old faces coming back.

However, it wasn’t long before my smile became a scowl as we drudged through the same old guff. You could relate to Shelby (A reasonable turn from Chloe Grace Moretz) and co as they conspire against the traditional sorority system. Creating their own society where anybody can join and do what they want.

Cue some silly spiel about sororities not being able to host parties (Google it! No, I didn’t either), a perfect property on the market, some crazy neighbours and we have . . . a dreadfully mediocre comedy.

Zac Efron didn’t do too badly and delivered the (little) laughs. Flashing his ridiculous six pack at any chance and not giving a fook.

It was great to see the old frat pack pop back up in this. Just a shame that it came with a silly subplot. As well as having to deal with the same old frustrations of not achieving any life goals, Teddy must come to terms with Pete’s (Dave Franco) “coming out” and impending marriage.

Look, I hate to be a stickler BUT didn’t Pete sleep with Teddy’s girlfriend in the first film as part of Mac and Kelly’s revenge ploy? Either way, his big gay wedding didn’t work and was lazy and unnecessary. You could understand Teddy’s childishness and refusal to grow up BUT we had all that in the first one.

Ike Barinholtz (Suicide Squad) was funny yet again as Mac’s retarded pal Jimmy. He stole the show every time. The only problem was that once he was united with Paula (Carla Gallo – Bones), he soon got on my nerves.

Her unfunny introduction wasn’t needed and brought nothing to the mix other than dropping a disgusting gag involving a baby foetus foot (Yep, you read that right).

Speaking of bad gags, the airbag gag died a death in the first movie. Bringing it back for a second time? Really? Come on! Cue another badly CGI’d Efron/Rogen flailing about in a car garage. Terrible.

Kelsey Grammer was great in his tragically short cameo as Shelby’s dad. Dr Crane knows how to get the laughs. Even Phoebe from Friends (Lisa Kudrow) got a titter with her “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” appearance.

BUT things must have been getting desperate as I was actually pleading for Hannibal Buress (Daddy’s Home). I couldn’t stand him in the first film. He wasn’t funny and overstayed his welcome. This time around, I wanted more. The role reversal with the black police officers seizing white drug dealers was an unexpected satirical dig that delivered.

And if I’m not mistaken, I’m sure there was supposed to be more of him from the trailers. Well, none of it featured in the actual film.

Rogen and Byrne weren’t really in it as much as I thought. BUT don’t worry. They haven’t changed one bit (No, really. They do the exact same thing). It was a nice touch having the same child actors playing the adorable Stella. I couldn’t believe how much they had grown up in 2 years.

The sorority delivered a somewhat mixed response. Kiersey Clemons (Dope) and Beanie Feldstein were actually quite funny BUT I just wish the pranks were.

The girls dressing up as Minions and fumbling about like their Dreamwork counterparts? AWFUL! Making bold statements about sexism when performing an equally revolting gag compared to a fraternity doing the same thing? Surprisingly entertaining.

Prank calling Mac so he flies over to Sydney looking for his wife?

fhvw_g

It really was miss more than hit with a finale that was a complete retread of the first. The drug and sex gags just didn’t cut it. I mean they only just got away with it the last time! And it ended so cornily that . . . I lost the brain cells to think of a clever insult.

BUT I’m sure it would have been better than this bilge. Hopefully there won’t be another.

2/5