POLTERGEIST REVIEW

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Pol-turd-geist!

Consider my faith in horror movies extinguished.

Another horrific remake stains the silver screen and makes one unhappy and frustrated film goer throw in the towel.

A family whose suburban home is haunted by evil forces must come together to rescue their youngest daughter after the apparitions take her captive.

As soon as I heard that this cursed horror classic was being remade, I screamed “Why?” Why waste money and time on remaking films that didn’t need to be touched?

The trailers may have done their job of piquing my interest but they could have at least made an effort with the story, the characters, the scares and the actual film.

Hollywood must be scraping the bottom of the barrel. I just discovered that there is a Point Break remake due for release? Has the world gone mad? Can they not think of anything original or even remake a bad movie? I can think of hundreds. Apparently the studio heads can’t. Hell, they could remake the the majority of the horror films that were released this last year alone!

The original was a classic. Flawed but weird and, most importantly, creepy. This turgid affair was laughable. Seriously the audience were in tears. Not of fear but actual laughter.

The 3D gimmick was the only reason I gave this any points. It was still lazy and desperate but it worked. But compared to the bland acting and clichéd dialogue, of course it would.

Sam Rockwell “Rockwelled” the place up. He was probably the only saving grace. Shame he was barely in it. Kennedi Clements was also excellent as the adorable little Madison. Giving Heather O’Rourke a run for her money. Hell, she acted better than the rest of the cast.

Jared Harris’ performance was terrible. A prolific actor reduced to a parodic (Well, I should say moronic) role. The character Carrigan Burke was a joke. The silly videos promoting his highly televised paranormal TV show got a cheeky laugh. Poking fun at the Derek Acorahs of the world.

The only problem was that he completely killed any tension or suspense that the film desperately needed. He also seemed to forget that he was supposed to be Irish and then halfway through the film, he really thickened his accent up. It was comical for all the wrong reasons.

Plus he didn’t contribute anything to fighting the poltergeist. He just bellowed, “Leave this family!” and got sucked up in the wormhole when there was no need.

You know the film is failing when the best moment is a 3D demon squirrel flying at you out of the screen. You read that right. A 3D demon squirrel.

The clowns were creepy. BUT they were rushed into the mix far too quickly. Desperate for a quick fright. Sacrificing suspense for a naff scare. It had enough to scar anyone who may have a slight phobia of clowns but it was done so badly that I thought I was watching Scary Movie 2.

Also, why the clowns? What was the relevance? Nothing to do with poltergeists, cursed burial grounds, nothing. “Sometimes, son. People collect weird stuff”. Really? That’s it.

It didn’t help that the moment was ruined by young Griffin being dragged out of his room by a tree? Seriously. This all happened. A lazy Evil Dead gag that failed on all fronts. That aerial shot when the parents pull up on the drive to see him dangling from said tree was hilarious!

The house wasn’t even built on an Indian burial ground. Some passing reference poking fun at the original’s ridiculous premise may have been noted. But what the writers offered up in this monstrosity managed to make that a masterpiece. No curse or creepy backstory. Just some old cemetery that was dug up and moved away. Riiggghhhttt.

The bits that would have made you jump were flogged heavily in the trailers. If you were lucky not to see them, then you might have a jump or two. The endless screaming and corny exchanges were not even funny. Look. If you have a muddy corpse crawling out of the ground, you don’t stand there and scream at it! You bloody run!

Or even worse. Every time the family would survive an encounter or little fright, they would hug each other and say how sorry they are for being a useless father, daughter, son. Get out of the house!

What annoyed me was that there was a slow opening build up that had potential. The characters were actually given a little depth. Griffin battling his ongoing anxieties. Rockwell’s father struggling with money problems. But it went nowhere and didn’t matter by the end. A waste of time. Which summarizes my experience of this film.

The only scare people will get is the ticket price.

The horror, the horror!

1/5

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