*THROWBACK REVIEW* THE PYRAMID

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This film should be buried beneath a pyramid.

A little late on posting this one. BUT for good reasons, I was trying to forget that I’d seen it.

Another bloody horror movie hits the big screen. Another terrible horror movie wastes my time.

A horror film that was shoved in the festive family film season for those not in the mood. This put me in a mood, I can tell you that.

You know you’re onto a loser when the saving grace is Jay from The Inbetweeners.

So what’s it about? A pyramid. Go figure . . . No.

An archaeological team attempts to unlock the secrets of a lost pyramid only to find themselves hunted by an insidious creature.

Where to begin? The opening showed promise. At first glance. An opening and inevitably shaky handheld POV of rioting in Cairo.

I was surprised. A little satire? Finger on the pulse after all that’s been happening with protests and uprisings in the climate?

NOPE. Just a hook. We are soon listening to a bunch of made up and pretentious terminology with a group of airheads chatting about a pyramid.

Waffle that went on far too long. All we needed to know was that there’s a pyramid, dodgy shit’s inside and they’re going in.

Not long winded and boring dialogue that made no sense with a group of characters you couldn’t give two monkeys about. Bar Jay, sorry, whatever his name was in this.

I’ll call him . . . Jay as the frustrated camera man.

Camera man wanker! Stop it!

The waffle cropped up some rubbish about aliens and Aztecs. For a moment, I thought this was going to turn into Indy 5. And believe me, I would have been straight out of the door.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t. IT WAS WORSE!

Dennis O’Hare was surprisingly dull in this monstrosity. I mean considering this was the guy that freaked me out in American Horror Story and was Russell Edgington from True Blood. Could have done with some of that camp vampire gusto to put a little life into his role.

I mean he plays it as well as he could but it was too deadpan. The father/daughter bickering has been done to death and a whole lot better in feebler efforts.

It didn’t help with all that mindless exposition and peeing about with the cameras. Which went on for another 30 minutes.

30 minutes of an 89 minute running time?

Seriously I had more scares from the Mummy trilogy and not just from the acting.

We finally get into the pyramid after all the “It’s cursed” and “Don’t go in there” guff and it still took a while for things to kick off.

And when they did . . . Meh. If it wasn’t for the incredibly loud cinema speaker system, I think I would have fell asleep.

There were two moments that made me jump out of my seat. One conveniently cropped up while I was in mid-movie rant with my little brother. Unexpected and well done.

The claustrophobic moments in the pyramid wasn’t really captured that well. A missed opportunity. Bar one mad dash sequence in which the narrow passageway closed in with sand filling the floor.

However, it all reminded me of another terrible horror movie. The painful Parisian delight that was As Above So Below.

It even had the changing rooms. What? Let me rephrase that. The rooms that kept changing.

And what do our heroes do? Unite and fight. Push on with time NOT on their side?

No. They bicker. Christa Nicola did my nut in. I was praying to the Gods of Anubis to get rid of her. Shrieking and flailing about. Terrible.

James Buckley proved one thing. He has been typecast for life. His witticisms and comical complaining just made me laugh throughout the film.

Something that shouldn’t have worked BUT it certainly kept me drudging through this lifeless bilge.

There were so many comical moments. Unintentional, of course.

A scene in which one of the gang is impaled on a precipice and being nibbled by some demon cat things. Believe me, I’m making it sound better than it was.

No explanation on the devil cats. Cats are gods or something. Don’t know. Don’t care.

So, anyway, said person is being devoured by cats and ol’ Jay is standing filming; “What do I do?”. His moment of heroism. He throws a couple of rocks at them and tells them to “Shoo”.

Nice one, Jay.

We finally get to see the insidious creature. What a load of s#@! It bared a striking resemblance to those devil dog things from the live action Scooby Doo reboot. The one with Matthew Lillard as Shaggy.

Terrible CGI. And with that, all tension and patience went out of the window.

The ending was abrupt and predictable after all that endurance with shaky camera work throughout.

Seriously, these found footage films need to STOP. It was too dark to see anything. Half of the time you get an elbow or a nostril. Come on, we’re in the Go Pro age guys!

I really must emphasize that films like this just need to STOP hogging up valuable screen time!

Mindless exposition about unoriginal premises that have been done to death with lifeless characters that bicker through predictable and unscary scenarios are not acceptable.

This film should be buried far away from sight.

I warn you. At your peril it be. This gets a one from me.

The one scare that got me twitching.

1/5

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